How to Check In on a Friend Who Seems Distant (Without Pressure)

The friend who used to answer your texts and messages in an hour or less now takes a day or more to get back to you. His or her plans with you get canceled on short notice, and even his or her few messages to you lately lack energy and life. You keep thinking and trying to come up with the right thing to say to your friend in order to avoid coming across as needy or overbearing but you just can’t.

The short answer here is that you need to send one relatively low-key note to your friend that mentions what you noticed and makes it easy for them to answer briefly or not at all, and then offer one specific thing and check in once more after that. This is usually enough to signal your presence and let your friend know that you care about them without turning a quiet patch into a confrontation.

您可能担心文字会让人感觉不受欢迎。 Research on this topic is mildly encouraging, though. In 13 preregistered experiments with nearly 6,000 participants, the people who initiated contact underestimated how much the other people appreciated the contact, including contact as simple as a brief check-in text¹。 These experiments involved a lot of different types of contact and randomly assigned participants to either the initiator or the recipient role, but the studies didn’t focus on friends who seem withdrawn, so it’s hard to know how applicable the results would be to your friend.您的担心可能是多余的。

在联系之前请注意发生了什么变化

Before you text, note the specific changes you have observed in your friend’s behavior. “You’ve been weird lately” is a pointless and accusatory message. “You’ve missed the last two game nights” is something your friend can respond to. It focuses the message on your observations instead of on why you are guessing they are acting differently.

Noticing small changes in a friend’s behavior can hint at whether or not they are pulling away. For example, if a friend typically responds to a message within the hour but now it takes a day, or if they have cancelled plans several times recently, this may indicate that they are going through a difficult time. One quiet week where a friend is busier than usual is unlikely to warrant a message checking in, but a change in behavior over the course of weeks or months may.

123

1. 1
   一侧的螺纹

   你最后的几条消息还没有得到回复。 Look at how long it's been compared with their usual pace before you decide it's a pattern.

2. 2
   被划掉的计划

   取消的计划是你可以提及的具体细节，例如“我在比赛之夜想念你”，这比“你很奇怪”更容易回答。

3. 3
   他们打算接手的游戏

   一些小的未完成的事情，比如他们要收集或归还的东西，可能暗示着忙碌或繁重的工作。他们还给出了一个简单、具体的理由来见他们。

Send a first text that names it and leaves an out

Here is a sample message that will accomplish the two jobs of the first message: it shows you noticed, and makes a short reply acceptable (this sample message is for a friend who has been cancelling):

说出一件你错过的关于他们的具体事情。将他们的缺席描述为你想念他们。加上“没有压力”，以明确两个词的答案就可以了。如果您想完全不需要回复，请尝试以下操作：

不要使用“你生我的气了吗？”或“你为什么不理我？”作为与您的朋友联系的机会。 These messages place too much burden on your friend to deal with your emotions, and assume a reason for their withdrawal that you have no evidence for.

将第一个文本设为您的

嘿，我在[你注意到的具体事情]想念你。完全没有压力，只是想看看。[你通常会问他们怎么样]？

您注意到的具体事情+

使用一个具体的、最近的细节，例如跳过的计划或安静的群聊。省略对发生原因的猜测。

你通常询问他们怎么样的方式+

按照您通常给这位朋友发短信的方式来写，例如“你这周过得怎么样”或“你还坚持得怎么样”。熟悉的措辞读起来就像你一样。

收到简短回复或没有回复该怎么办

对方的简短回应可能意味着他们很忙或疲惫不堪。他们甚至可能很好，但当时无法说更多。试着记住，你可能得到的只是“我很好”或“我很忙”。从表面上看，保持大门敞开，不要强求更多。然后你可以回复说“完全明白，我随时都在”。

给它几天时间。如果几天过去了，您的消息没有得到回复，并不一定意味着消息失败。您发消息的人可能已阅读该消息，但没有精力回复。

办理入住手续后该怎么办

他们热情地回复或开始敞开心扉+

听着，问一个温和的后续问题，然后暂缓修复任何问题。

They send a short reply like "fine, just busy"+

从表面上看，假设你在附近，并提出一个小的、具体的报价。

几天后没有回复+

等待大约一周，然后发送一份较轻的后续邮件。之后，停止询问并继续将其纳入计划中。

他们要求空间+

感谢他们，当他们准备好时告诉他们你就在那里，然后暂时停止签到。

他们说了一些让你担心他们安全的话+

Go to the section on bigger worries. In the US, call or text 988, or call 911 if a life is in danger.

提供一件具体的事情

“Let me know if you need anything” sounds really nice, but it means your friend has to do the work to figure out what they need and to ask for it. Instead, you can make a specific offer. This can be a walk, a coffee, a call. Even food or errands can be a nice offer.

如果您能为他们提供所需的帮助，大多数人都会感激不已。 Try to offer something that you can match to what you know of your friend’s circumstances. For example, someone who has gone quiet in a group of friends might appreciate a one-on-one walk in the park, while someone who is work-crazed might appreciate some food or help with an errand.请记住注明您提供帮助的时间，例如：“周六早上想去喝咖啡吗？” A specific offer is easier to accept because your friend only has to say yes or no.

打电话也是可能的，尽管当某人疲惫不堪时，你可能会感觉很累，你甚至可以问他们是否喜欢打电话或发消息。你希望他们在两者之间做出选择。

Example: a check-in that ends with a real plan

1. 
   山姆

   Hey, I've missed you at the last couple of game nights. No pressure, just checking in. How are you doing?

2. 
   乔丹

   Sorry, it's been a lot lately. I'm ok, just really tired.

3. 
   山姆

   这是有道理的。 Want me to drop off dinner Thursday? No hosting, no tidying needed.

4. 
   乔丹

   老实说，那真是太好了。

5. 
   山姆

   太好了，我会在 7 点左右送意大利面。如果您想跳过，可以给我发短信。

跟进一次无负罪感

如果您还没有收到回复，一周左右再发送一条消息也是合理的。此消息可能不如第一条消息那么严重，您应该避免让您的朋友因为没有回复您的第一条消息而感到内疚。这是一个例子：

After sending the second message you can stop asking if they’re fine and just include them in other messages.您可以邀请他们一起参加其他活动，并偶尔向他们发送表情包，以表明您仍然在他们身边。

你可能要感谢你的朋友让你参与到他们安静的地方。你不需要为安静时间道歉，这样的请求可能会让未来的安静时间变得困难。

当忧虑大于平静时

有时朋友的回复告诉你发生了更严重的事情。听着，感谢他们对你的信任，并询问今天有什么帮助。您不必诊断或“修复”任何东西，也不必使用正确的措辞。只需成为一个冷静、支持和在场的朋友，例如将朋友纳入计划和活动中。只需留在对话中即可。

为了给他们一些空间来进一步讨论，最简单的回复是：

在美国，如果您或您认识的人处于危机中或表达自杀念头，请致电或发短信 988 联系 988 自杀和危机生命热线，或者在生命受到威胁的情况下拨打 911².

今天发送您的第一条短信

选择您观察到的一件事，写下有关它的两行消息，然后发送。然后在您的日历中添加一个提醒，从现在开始一周后，如果您没有收到回复，请跟进一次。

如果电话或面对面的谈话感觉比文字更难，您可以先在 Quippy 中与场景伙伴一起大声练习。

Read more in How to Rejoin a Group Chat After Going Quiet for Weeks.

来源和参考文献

1. Liu, Rim, Min & Min (2022).伸出援手的惊喜：比我们想象的更欣赏。 《人格与社会心理学杂志》（堪萨斯大学 KU 新闻服务报道）。13 个预先注册的实验，近 6,000 名参与者被随机分配为发起者或响应者角色；衡量发起者对伸出援手的期望程度与接受者的赞赏程度；大学新闻论文的摘要，大部分是实验室和研究场景，而不是对那些看起来遥远或挣扎的朋友的研究。
2. National Institute of Mental Health (n.d.).预防自杀。 U.S. National Institutes of Health.US federal health institute guidance page;仅支持危机指针（988 电话或短信，911 在危及生命的情况下）；美国特有的。