You glance over at the bar and realize Priya has been stuck there for around 20 minutes. You and Nadia have been talking that whole time. God knows how you got from the Saturday market Nadia is so insistent on to her hapless landlord and his ongoing feud with the bike rack outside, but somewhere in there it stopped being small talk.
Your face is warm. Part of your brain is already making a plan.
Just then Priya comes back to her own birthday dinner, three drinks balanced in two hands. The conversation spreads out to the whole table again, and you watch the moment close.
Reopen it with a text to Nadia. Mention something the two of you actually talked about, and propose something very small with a specific day and time.
She can turn it down without explaining, and you won’t have asked Priya to set anything up for you.
Below are the messages you can send to Nadia, in order of least direct to most direct. Each one comes with a note on when it would be appropriate to send.
How do you become friends with a friend of a friend?
Fifty hours or so, that’s how long it takes to go from acquaintances to casual friends, based on a University of Kansas study.1 The figures come from surveys and are rough. Needless to say, one hour with Nadia (i.e. that coffee) is not going to decide whether the two of you become friends or not.
That should relieve some of the pressure you feel. For now you can just focus on spending a little more time with her and seeing whether you both want to keep getting to know each other.
This list covers the basic elements you can use to build your first message to Nadia:
- A real shared detail. Use something you can tie back to your conversation, like the Saturday market Nadia brought up. It shows you were listening and gives the message a reason to exist.
- A small plan with a time. Suggest something simple, like going for coffee after an event or for a walk, and say when, like an hour at the market at 10 on Saturday. Keep it short and do not expect Nadia to clear her whole day for you.
- Room to say no. Include a line like “No worries if you’re busy” so Nadia can decline without having to write you an essay.
You can mention Priya to remind her of where you met, and then speak for yourself in the rest of the message. Note that you should not use the phrase “Priya thinks we’d get along” unless Priya has said this to you and it is okay for you to repeat it.
What do you say if you never got their number?
The dinner draws to a close with everyone tapping cards on the machine and putting on their coats. You are strolling home when you realize you have no way of contacting Nadia, despite knowing her first name and a surprising amount about her landlord.
You have two choices here. Either you wait for the next occasion when Priya’s friends are all together and ask Nadia for her number, or you ask Priya to pass your number on to her.
If you ask Nadia yourself, exchanging contact details after meeting someone is easier if you can link it to something you discussed with her:
I keep thinking about that market you mentioned. Want to swap numbers so I can tell you if I make it?
If you go through Priya, the favor is passing your number along once. Asking her to chase a reply from Nadia is completely against the terms of that favor.
If you and Nadia only swapped names and a joke about the menu, don’t pretend to have had a more in-depth conversation than you did. Hang out with her at other gatherings of Priya’s, and then you can come up with a plan for just the two of you.
What should your first message to a friend of a friend say?
It’s Sunday morning. You’ve got Nadia’s number, a message roughly crafted in your notes app, and a sudden urge to reorganize your entire spice rack instead.
You typed “No worries if you’re busy,” deleted it because it sounded needy, then typed it back in because without it the message read like a summons.
That back-and-forth is normal. The example messages below go from least to most direct, so pick the rung that matches how well you know Nadia. They’re signed off with the name Sam, but please feel free to swap in your own name as and when you see fit.
Rung 1: The callback, with no plan attached
Hey, it’s Sam from Priya’s dinner. I walked past that Saturday market you mentioned and it was packed by 9. You weren’t exaggerating.
When to use it: You’ve had time to talk about loads of things with Nadia, the detail is still fresh, and you don’t want to start planning yet. Only send it if you really did walk past the market she mentioned.
What it signals: That you’re friendly and you remember the conversation about the market. There is no obligation on Nadia to say yes to any plans, so this is the most casual of the messages. It could lead to further messages, but it doesn’t have to.
Rung 2: A group plan you host yourself
Hey, it’s Sam from Priya’s dinner. A few of us are doing trivia at the Fox on Thursday at 7: me, my roommate Leo and two people from work. Want to come? Easy no if you’re busy.
When to use it: You want to see her again but a one-on-one plan is too much for this early stage. It is also suitable when you are already organizing a group activity and you simply add her to the list of people you’re going to invite.
What it signals: That you’re warm and friendly, with other people around to keep things easy. Be sure to mention who else is coming and that it is a group activity you organized. Make sure Priya has actually said yes to being included before you add her name to the list, and don’t suggest a group outing you have no intention of organizing.
Rung 3: The specific one-on-one invitation
This is the message most people need. It assumes that Nadia mentioned a local market at Priya’s dinner:
Hey, it’s Sam from Priya’s dinner. You mentioned the Saturday market, and I’m planning to go this weekend around 10. Want to join me for a look around? No worries if you’re busy.
When to use it: You have a real shared detail with her and you really want to do something with her, just the two of you.
What it signals: That you are interested in her company for an activity you will enjoy. You remind her who you are, bring up the market she mentioned at Priya’s dinner and give a time frame. She can then simply say “yes” or “no.”
Only say “I’m planning to go” if that’s true, and swap the market for something you really want to do. Once that first plan has happened, use the same format for inviting a new friend to hang out again.
Adapt the invitation to your situation
Hey, it's [your name] from [where you met]. You mentioned [shared detail], and I'm [plan with a day and time]. Want to join me? No worries if you're busy.
Where you met
Name the event or the mutual friend's gathering so they can place you, such as “Priya’s dinner” or “Leo’s housewarming.” This is the only job the mutual friend has in the message.
Shared detail
Choose something they told you themselves during your conversation. Leave out anything your mutual friend shared privately, even if it would make a better opening.
Plan with a day and time
Keep it to an hour or two and include a rough time, such as “going Saturday around 10.” Only say you're planning to go if you really are.
Rung 4: Say it plainly
Hey, it’s Sam. I really liked talking with you at Priya’s dinner and I’d like to get to know you outside of her parties. Coffee one morning next week? Easy no if you’re slammed.
When to use it: You’ve met Nadia two or three times and things are still going well, or you’ve both mentioned that you’re trying to meet more people.
What it signals: That you openly want a friendship with Nadia. This is the most exposed rung, so save it for after the earlier ones have gone well.
The best invitation is easy to turn down. That’s what makes saying yes feel safe.
How do you keep the mutual friend out of the middle?
At 9:40 on Monday morning Priya texts “did you and Nadia hit it off?? 👀”. For one weak second you consider asking her to find out whether Nadia likes you.
Keep Priya out of the middle. She has her hands full without becoming your talent agent. She can be how you met, but she isn’t responsible for what happens next.
Do not ask her to interpret replies, find out whether Nadia likes you, or try to talk Nadia into coming. In the time it takes to send her one more message, you can contact Nadia directly.
- Use a contact route you already have. That could be the number Nadia typed into your phone, or a group chat you are both part of already.
- Mention a detail from your own conversation. The market Nadia brought up herself is perfect. Anything Priya told you in private (such as Nadia’s job search) must not be included in the message.
- Keep the plan easy to decline. You can say “no worries if you’re busy,” and she can then decline without guilt or giving a reason.
- Ask Priya for one thing at most. If you have no way to reach Nadia, Priya can pass your number along once, and then that’s it.
Priya said you’d totally love me, so I figured I’d reach out. Are you free this weekend?
Hey, it’s Sam from Priya’s dinner. I’m going to that market you mentioned on Saturday around 10. Want to come?
Keep the uncertainty between you and Nadia. Stay positive with both Priya and Nadia, but do not ask Priya for her account of what happened.
What if they don’t reply or say “maybe”?
Your message says “Seen 2:14 PM.” Have you been checking it all afternoon? Yeah, probably more than you’ve checked the weather forecast all week.
An unanswered message does not tell you why she hasn’t replied. It is best to wait a while, then decide whether a very short follow-up is needed or whether the invitation should rest.
Don’t ask a third party like Priya to find out why you haven’t had a response. And don’t send several versions of the same invite. By the third one, you’re basically sending a newsletter.
A follow-up only makes sense if there’s still a real plan to confirm. If Saturday has passed, leave it alone. Just say hello normally the next time you see her. See how to follow up when a new friend doesn’t reply for more on this.
What to do after you send the invitation
She says yes
Confirm the place and time in one short message, then show up.
She suggests a different day
Reply to the day she offered. If it works, settle it in the same message.
She replies vaguely, like “Maybe. Let me know”
Leave the next move with her: “Sure, if a day works for you, let me know.” Then stop trying to arrange the plan for now.
She declines
Acknowledge it briefly and kindly. At the next shared gathering, greet her and talk as usual without asking about her reply.
No reply, and you're still going
Send one follow-up: “I’m still heading to the market Saturday. If you’d like to join, let me know. Otherwise, see you around.” Use it only if you really are still going.
No reply, and the plan has passed
Let that invitation rest. Say hello normally the next time you see her.
Is it weird to text someone you met through a friend?
Your fear will likely far outstrip the evidence. Research shows people significantly underestimate how much others appreciate being contacted.2
Note that this research looked at people within an existing social circle, i.e. not complete strangers. So take it as reassurance about reaching out, not a promise that Nadia will say yes to the market.
Connect when you have a reasonable contact route, something you two actually discussed and an invitation you are willing to leave with her. If there’s a weak point in your draft, revise it before you send it, or wait until you see her again.
This check is not meant to predict whether you will end up with a friendship with her or not. It is meant to help you come up with a considerate and clear message, and then she can do with it what she wishes.
What if you don’t click the second time?
At the halfway point of the market, Nadia launches into a rather detailed explanation of her fantasy football league. You’ve been nodding at the same tomato for what feels like an age.
The connection with Nadia does not have to go any further. Stay friendly at Priya’s parties and honestly accept or decline future invitations.
If Nadia later invites you again, a brief, kind answer is enough. There is no need to explain in detail why you don’t wish to go, and you don’t owe her another meeting out of obligation. Declining an invitation without overexplaining covers the exact wording.
NHS advice on assertiveness is to stand up for your rights without violating the rights of others.3 An honest, kind reply to Nadia does both, and nobody has to ask Priya to take sides.
Practice the invitation
Open Quippy and rehearse inviting Nadia to the Saturday market out loud until the words sound like yours.
Sources and references
- University of Kansas (2018). How to make friends? Study reveals how many hours it takes. KU NewsReports Hall (2018), Journal of Social and Personal Relationships: self-reported surveys, including 112 first-year students; the hour counts are rough estimates.
- University of Kansas School of Business. People underestimate the surprising impact of reaching out, study finds. KU School of BusinessReports Liu, Rim, Min and Min (2022), Journal of Personality and Social Psychology: 13 preregistered experiments with nearly 6,000 participants, about contacting people in an existing social circle.
- Leicestershire Partnership NHS Trust. Assertiveness (patient leaflet 492). Leicestershire Partnership NHS TrustSelf-help guidance, not a study.