You are in the second floor bathroom. You are running the water in the sink for no reason.
You keep coming back to that one meeting. Dana said “I already flagged this” in front of the whole team. Your neck is hot.
Your phone shows the message “Hey, about earlier.” It has said no more than that for the last 11 minutes.
The next line doesn’t have to win anything. You simply need to name the moment, state your interest in learning her perspective on what happened, and ask one open question with no accusation hidden in it.
Then let her answer before you start defending yourself.
It doesn’t matter whether or not you agree with Dana’s assessment. You are trying to get a sense of her perspective of the meeting before the two of you decide what to do about the deadline. You can now turn off the faucet. It has served its purpose.
The messages on this page are listed from the mildest to most direct. Start at the bottom and work your way up as necessary.
How do you ask for someone’s side without sounding accusatory?
The first thing you typed under “Hey, about earlier” got deleted by your thumb before your brain had even finished reading it. The deleted message read, “Why would you say that in front of everyone?”
That draft has the accusation locked in. It assumes Dana meant to embarrass you in front of your colleagues. The only responses Dana could come up with would be a confession or a counterattack.
The University of Minnesota Extension’s guide on communicating under pressure says to keep comments on the issue at hand and describe what happened, without criticism or blame.1 So start by restating something you both saw happen, like the meeting or the deadline.
Leave space for what you don’t know yet, such as what she might have observed or when she might have brought it up.
Why did you call me out in front of everyone like that?
I’d like to understand how the deadline discussion looked from your side.
You don’t have to be in a calm state in order to send the second version. You can be upset and still leave her answer open.
What should your first message say after a conflict?
It’s 3:40. Dana’s status dot is green. You’ve re-written the same opening message 4 times. Each rung below gives you a message, the moment it fits and what it tells Dana.
Rung 1: Ask for the time first
Use this rung when you’re still rehearsing a sharp comeback in your head. (By now you have already won the argument three times in the elevator.)
I’d like to understand what happened between us earlier. Do you have a few minutes after dinner, or would tomorrow be better?
The work version completes the draft already sitting on your screen:
Hey, about earlier. I’d like to understand how the deadline discussion looked from your side. Do you have ten minutes this afternoon, or would tomorrow morning be better?
- Use it when you are still pretty worked up or the other person is very busy. Say Dana has back-to-back calls until 5pm today.
- It signals that you really want to have a full conversation with her, but you let her choose a time to discuss it so nobody gets cornered in front of the rest of the team.
Pick a time when neither of you is rushed or being watched, even if it’s as late as the next day. Putting it off until then still counts as dealing with it.
If she suggests a different time, agree to it and then actually show up. And if you’re already mid-argument and it’s going badly, asking for a pause and following up later works the same way.
Rung 2: Name the moment and ask one open question
Use this rung after you have both cooled down, which is often the next morning. Describe what happened in a few words, say why you want to talk to her, and add one question.
Keep it very short and save the full story for later.
I’d like to talk about yesterday’s meeting, when we disagreed about the deadline. I want to understand how you saw it. Would you be willing to walk me through what happened from your perspective?
- Use it when you have calmed down enough to think about the meeting without your jaw tightening, such as the next day before standup.
- It signals that you can refer back to the specific moment in the meeting and want her account of it before you give yours.
All of this will also work outside of work. Just don’t make it sound too formal for friends, partners or family.
To a friend after a canceled plan:
We left things awkwardly after Saturday’s plans changed. I’d like to hear your side rather than keep guessing. Would you be open to talking sometime this week?
To a roommate after an argument in the kitchen:
Can we talk about the kitchen argument? I was frustrated, but I don’t think I understood what you were saying. How did it look from your side?
Don’t take on blame you don’t deserve. Admitting to more than you did in order to seem sweeter will only make the honest conversation more difficult later.
What do you ask once they start explaining?
Dana says, “I mentioned it in the Thursday sync.” Your brain immediately opens a tab labeled THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED.
Close that tab for now. Just follow along with what she’s actually saying, not a list you prepared, and pick one part that you just don’t get and ask her about that.
Rung 3: The specific follow-up
When you said you’d already raised the deadline concern, which conversation were you thinking of?
- Use it when she brings up something you don’t remember or didn’t know about (like an earlier conversation).
- It signals that you are taking her word seriously and care about the details she is sharing with you.
There are three areas to ask about, one at a time:
- What she thought had been agreed. “What did you think our deadline was when we left Monday?”
- The moment that mattered most to her. “Which part of the meeting bothered you most?”
- Her hopes for your response. “What were you hoping I would say when you brought up that issue?”
Wait for her to answer each of these questions in turn. If you lose your place, ask her to restate that part. It’s far better to be sure here than to fill the gap with your own guess.
Rung 3 in practice (illustrative)
- You
When you said you'd already raised the deadline concern, which conversation were you thinking of?
- Dana
The Thursday sync. I said two weeks was tight and nobody picked it up.
- You
I think I'd dropped off that call early. So you'd said it, and then you heard me present the date as final.
- Dana
Yeah. It felt like it didn't count.
- You
That makes sense. What were you hoping would happen after you raised it?
- Dana
Honestly, just a quick check with me before it went in the deck.
How do you listen to someone when you think they’re wrong?
Yes, there is a correction you want to make. Holding it in feels physical. But you can let her finish her thought.
Write down the correction in your notes app so you can stop clenching your jaw to remember it.
Instead of formulating a reply while the other person is speaking, the University of Colorado Boulder conflict resolution guidelines suggest you listen to their perspective as they present it.2 The rebuttal will still be there when she is done speaking.
Rung 4: The summary check
You thought the deadline was still being discussed, so hearing me present it as settled felt like I’d ignored your concern. Have I understood that?
- Use it when she has finished a full thought and you could sum it up in a sentence or two.
- It signals that you’ve been fully following her thoughts and feelings, in her own terms, before you add on to the conversation.
If she corrects your summary, revise it to make sure you are accurately representing her views on the matter. She doesn’t have to approve your exact wording.
Harvard Law School’s Program on Negotiation distinguishes between acknowledging someone’s concerns and agreeing with them.3 Acknowledgment is the first step to dealing with conflict. After that, there is still work to be done to reach a resolution.
You can say “I see why that stung” and still believe the deadline was right. Both sentences fit in the same conversation.
If you still can’t tell whether you disagree or just misheard each other, these two checks can help you sort it out.
Even if her reaction still does not make sense to you, you can acknowledge a feeling that you do not fully understand. Sometimes feelings need to be acknowledged even if you do not understand them fully.
What if they refuse to explain or get defensive?
Sometimes the reply to your careful message is as simple as “it’s fine, forget it.” Then the typing bubble shows up twice more, and then nothing more gets typed.
Rung 5: State your intent honestly
This is the most direct step on the ladder. Use it when the other person suspects you’ve already made up your mind that they’re wrong.
I do have a different view of what happened. I’m asking because I want to hear yours before we discuss what to do next.
- Use it when she says something like “sounds like you’ve already made up your mind.”
- It signals that you’re honest about your own view and that you are still really asking the question.
You don’t need to promise her that you are going to agree just to keep her talking about the issue. She may not want to explain at all, and that is perfectly acceptable. You can still move on and leave room for a later conversation:
Okay, I won’t push for a conversation now. If you’re willing to talk later, I’d still like to understand your perspective.
If they don't want to explain right now
They say "not now" or "it's fine"
Send the no-pressure reply above. Don't make an explanation a condition for things returning to normal.
They think you've already decided they're wrong
Use rung 5. State your view honestly and say why you're still asking.
They come back later and want to talk
Return to rung 2 and keep to whatever time they choose.
They keep insulting you
Pause the conversation and say you'll pick it up when it can stay respectful.
They threaten you or you feel unsafe
Leave the conversation and seek help and support immediately.
When do you get to share your side of the conflict?
Dana has finished explaining, you’ve summarized it, and she confirmed it by saying “yeah, that’s it.” This is the moment your elevator comeback has been waiting for, and somehow it has lost most of its impact.
Rung 6: Ask to take your turn
Thanks for explaining. Can I share what I understood about the deadline, and then we can compare where things got crossed?
- Use it when Dana has confirmed your summary, or corrected it until it fit.
- It signals that listening first does not mean you have nothing more to add.
When sharing your account of events, be specific. Be very clear about what you are fairly sure actually happened and what you have only assumed to be the case.
If you regret how you handled something (e.g. talking over her when she brought it up), say so plainly instead of making excuses for it.
Then solve one thing. You and Dana can agree to start confirming deadlines via email, or come up with some other quick way to flag potential problems before they get included in the deck.
Just one next step is enough to move forward with for now, and you can save the rest for another time when you are both feeling calmer.
Write your own opener
[Name], I'd like to talk about [the specific moment]. I want to understand how you saw it. Would you be open to talking [first time option], or would [second time option] be better?
The specific moment
Describe something you both saw, like "yesterday's meeting when we disagreed about the deadline." Leave out what you think they meant by it.
First time option
Offer a concrete time when neither of you is rushed or being watched, such as "after lunch today."
Second time option
Give a real alternative so they can choose without having to come up with one, such as "tomorrow morning."
Practice the conversation with Dana
Type your opener into Quippy and practice the back-and-forth with a partner who replies the way Dana might.