You’re at your cousin’s wedding, and your brother Sam is patting your stomach for the family group photo. “Eating for two now?” he says, loud enough for the photographer to hear.
You do the little laugh, the one that’s mostly air through your nose, and hold your breath through the next six shots. Later, at the dessert table, you notice you’re holding your plate in front of your waist.
The first thing you can say to him is plain: “Sam, please don’t comment on my weight.” One comment is enough reason to ask. You don’t owe him a reason, and if you froze in the moment, you can still say it next week.
The lines below go from a gentle first ask to a firm repeat for when he does it anyway. Start on the lowest rung that fits, and climb only if you need to.
What do you say when someone comments on your weight?
Most people laugh the second a comment like this lands, because that’s what the body does when a camera is pointed at it. That laugh didn’t agree to anything. Once the photographer moves on to the next family, you can still make the request.
Rung one is a clear request to stop. Name the exact subject so he can’t guess his way around it.
Please don’t comment on my weight.
- When to use it: Right after the comment, or the first moment you’re alone with him. That might be at the end of the night, when Sam is patting his pockets for the valet ticket.
- What it signals: His comment got to you and you want it to stop. It doesn’t accuse him of anything, so he has very little to argue with.
Swap in whatever applies. “Please don’t comment on my hair” works the same way, and “Please don’t comment on my appearance” covers everything at once.
Rung two adds a reason, if you want to give one. Keep it short enough that it still sounds like a request.
I’m uncomfortable with comments about my hair. Please stop.
- When to use it: When a bare request feels too abrupt, like with an uncle you see twice a year.
- What it signals: This subject bothers you personally, and you’re saying so directly.
The version that backfires is usually the one that comes out first.
Haha, okay, rude. I’ve just been really stressed and snacking a lot, it’s fine.
Sam, please don’t comment on my weight.
The first one opens a whole can of worms about your eating, which is exactly the topic you wanted to close.
What if you froze and didn’t say anything at the time?
It’s Wednesday. The text to Sam in your notes app has been rewritten four times, and the current draft starts with “Hey, this is probably silly, but.” You already suspect that opening does him a favor.
You can still ask. Freezing is common, and you can bring it up later, in private if you prefer.
About your comment earlier: please don’t comment on my clothes.
For Sam, change “earlier” to “at the wedding” and “clothes” to “weight.” Then delete “this is probably silly,” because it invites him to agree that it is.
- When to use it: Hours or days later, by text or while you’re both clearing plates.
- What it signals: You’ve cooled off and you still mean it. That’s harder to dismiss than a reaction in the moment.
How do you ask someone to stop when they meant it as a compliment?
Two weeks after the wedding, at Sunday lunch, Sam looks you over and says, “You’ve lost weight, nice.” He means it warmly. Your stomach still drops the same way it did at the wedding.
Rung three is for the kind comments. It gives the person credit for meaning well and keeps the request, because your boundary can include compliments too.
I understand you meant it kindly. Please leave my appearance out of our conversations.
- When to use it: For praise, “helpful” tips about what to wear, and anyone who would be genuinely hurt to learn they’d hurt you.
- What it signals: You believe they’re on your side, and you’d still like them to drop the subject of your appearance.
At some point Sam will probably say “I was just joking,” a sentence that has never once made a joke funnier. You don’t have to debate whether it was funny.
If jokes are where this usually starts, there’s more on responding when a joke makes you uncomfortable.
Raising it with Sam a few days later (illustrative)
- You
Sam, about your comment at the wedding: please don't comment on my weight.
- Sam
Oh come on, I was just joking.
- You
I know you meant it lightly. I'd still like you to stop.
- Sam
Okay, okay. Noted.
- You
Thanks. Did you ever find your valet ticket?
How do you set this boundary with family you’ll keep seeing?
The hard part with Sam is that you’ll see him again on Sunday, then at Thanksgiving. He’s also in the group chat where your cousin is posting the wedding photos one album at a time.
A review of obesity stigma in North American society discusses how weight stigma and discrimination towards individuals who are classified as “obese” exist, even within close relationships.1 That doesn’t mean every comment from a sibling is stigmatizing, and the review can’t tell you how Sam will take your request. It does mean you’re far from the first person who wants this topic off the family table.
Rung four is for people you want to keep close, whether that’s a friend, a relative or a partner. The short version puts the request and the follow-through together.
Please keep comments about my body out of our conversations. If they continue, I’ll step away.
The longer version opens with the relationship, which helps if you’re worried the request will sound like a breakup.
I want us to keep spending time together. Please leave comments about my body out of our conversations, including compliments. If it comes up again, I’ll change the subject or step away.
- When to use it: With someone you see every week and plan to keep seeing, like a brother or a best friend.
- What it signals: You’re asking because you value them. It rules out compliments too, and tells them exactly what happens next.
Say it however you can. Your voice might shake, and you might read the whole thing off your phone. Best men read entire toasts off their phones every weekend, and nobody has been escorted out of a reception for it yet.
A shaky request still counts. Sam heard every word, including the ones you read off your phone.
If your family tends to talk over you when you’re discussing serious issues, pair this with these lines for when family talks over you.
What do you say if they keep commenting on your body?
At your mom’s birthday dinner, Sam watches you take a second slice of cake and says, “Bold choice.” You already asked him once, on a Wednesday, with your voice shaking.
Rung five is the repeat with a consequence. Mention the request you already made, then say what you’ll do.
I’ve asked you to stop commenting on my appearance. If it happens again, I’ll end this conversation.
- When to use it: The second time it happens, or any time after, even if he says he meant well.
- What it signals: The request was real, and there’s a next step if he ignores it.
Only promise something you’ll actually do, such as changing the subject, leaving the room or hanging up the phone. Then do it next time, without another warning.
If he keeps arguing about whether you’re allowed to ask, this piece on people who keep pushing after you say no has the next lines.
What to do after you ask Sam to stop
He apologizes or says okay
Thank him once and move on to another topic. There's no need to bring it up again.
He says it was a joke or a compliment
Acknowledge his intent in a few words and repeat rung three. Skip the debate about whether it was funny.
He does it again
Use rung five, then do what you said, whether that means changing the subject or stepping away.
He argues about whether you're allowed to ask
Don't defend the request. Do what you said you would do.
He gets angry or you feel unsafe
Leave and get support. You don't have to finish this conversation alone.
What if the comments about your appearance happen at work?
Monday, 9:40 a.m. Your coworker leans on the edge of your desk. “Rough weekend? You look exhausted.” It’s the third comment about your appearance this month.
You can use almost the same request, with the setting added.
Please don’t comment on my appearance at work.
If speaking up directly feels unsafe, or the person has authority over you, consider getting support through your workplace’s reporting process. You don’t have to handle this alone.
The EEOC encourages people experiencing harassment to tell the harasser the conduct is unwelcome and must stop, and to report it to management early.2 The “unwelcome” conduct it covers can be based on race, color, religion, sex (including sexual orientation, transgender status and pregnancy), national origin, age (40 and older), disability or genetic information.
That conduct is unlawful when enduring it is made a condition of your job, or when it’s severe or pervasive enough that a reasonable person would find the workplace intimidating, hostile or abusive.2 Petty slights, annoyances and isolated incidents generally don’t meet that test unless they’re extremely serious.
How do you get ready to say it without freezing again?
You’re sitting in your car in your parents’ driveway before Sunday lunch, engine off, mouthing the sentence at the steering wheel. That counts as practice, and it works better with the words written down.
Write down the subject you want left alone, your exact request and what you’ll do if it keeps happening.
Your follow-through has to be something you can do by yourself, like leaving the table, because there’s no way to make Sam agree your request is reasonable. Getting your mom to tell Sam to stop, for example, isn’t something you control.
Read it out loud once before you see him. If you expect him to get angry or you feel threatened in any way, you can leave or bring someone with you. You don’t have to do this by yourself.
Build your own request
[Name], [why you're asking]. Please don't comment on my [subject], including compliments. If it happens again, I'll [follow-through].
Why you're asking
Optional. One short line about the relationship, such as “I want us to keep spending time together.” Leave it out for a coworker or anyone you don't need to reassure.
Subject
Name the specific thing, such as your weight, hair, clothes or appearance generally. A precise word is harder to sidestep than “stuff like that.” Remove “including compliments” if praise doesn't bother you.
Follow-through
Choose an action you control and will actually take, such as changing the subject, stepping away or ending the call.
Practice your line with Sam
Open Quippy and say your exact request to a practice version of Sam out loud until it comes out steady.