How to Talk to Your Roommate About a Problem (With Opening Lines)

You rehearse the same conversation in your head over and over again. You complain about the same problem to your friends and family. The dishes from Sunday are still sitting in the sink. The music is still going at 1 a.m. Here is the short answer. In order to resolve one issue with another person, you need to pick one issue and work to resolve it. You need to bring it up at a calm time (avoid raising it in the midst of another problem with this person). You start by describing what you observed and how it affected you. You ask for their side of the story. Together you come up with a way to implement a change that you can both see. Here are some possible opening lines for a conversation with your roommate about the dishes, the music, guests in your home and shared expenses. Some ways to continue the conversation are also included.

Pick one issue before you start

When something has been bothering you for weeks it can be tempting to bring up the entire list of problems that have been building up between you and your roommate. But be warned, when you bring up all of these problems your roommate may hear them as accusations about your roommate’s character and soon you will be engaged in a heated debate about whether or not your roommate is a bad person to live with. Save the rest of the issues that have been bothering you for later talks and focus on the one issue that affects you most often.

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1. 1
   The stacked sink

   Describe what you can both see, such as pans left overnight. A specific picture is easier to fix than "you never clean."

2. 2
   The chart on the fridge

   Aim to finish with a visible system like a rota. A chart works as a shared plan. A complaint note on the same fridge leaves your roommate no chance to explain.

3. 3
   The speaker by the couch

   Raise noise at a calm time the next day. Bringing it up while the music is still playing catches you both at your most irritated.

Focus on the concrete action. So “you never clean” is too broad as it invites an argument about the word “never”. “The pans from dinner stay in the sink until the next evening” would be a good thing to discuss as you both can see it and work out a solution.

Choose a calm moment and skip the fridge note

Dropping the problem mid-incident, while the music is still loud or you are standing over the dirty pan, will naturally bring out the most irritated response from the other party. Putting the same information on a fridge note is even worse as it does not allow the other party to explain themselves and is likely to be perceived as even colder than the spoken word.

The best time to talk about something is when both of you are home and neither of you is rushing out. If schedules make that hard, a quick text can set up the conversation without opening the topic itself.

Using the following short warning to alert the other party to a discussion of a number of small problems can work well. It warns of discussion of a number of very minor problems and steers the other party toward expecting a very short and practical discussion.

Swap ‘kitchen’ for whatever fits your issue. Remove ‘nothing dramatic’ if it isn’t true.

I noticed this, and it affects me this way

Begin by describing the situation that occurred and how it affects you. Since you may perceive the situation differently than your roommate, you must acknowledge that he or she may have a different view of the situation. In one study, 253 university students rated written opening statements in made-up conflicts between partners, friends, and colleagues including a conflict about household chores (e.g., a couple arguing about how to split up cleaning the house). Openings that used I-language and acknowledgement of the other’s perspective were rated least likely to elicit defensive responses from the other party¹. Note that these findings were obtained from ratings of written conflict openings in contrived scenarios, with no real conversations and no roommates involved, and thus should be treated as a reasonable guide for your first sentence and no more.

Remember that these are examples. Change the details to fit your own home and situation.

For dishes, name the pattern and why it bothers you:

For noise, mention the time and the effect:

For guests: Tell your roommate that you’d like to have notice of overnight visitors and restate that you don’t mind if they have friends over.

For money issues describe the payments that are a problem to you and the amount that you paid in relation to the other person(s):

Each of the opening lines leaves room for the other person to offer an explanation of their behavior in the problem described by the opening line.

Ask for their side and listen to the answer

Wait a minute. There may be reasons for what you are seeing that you are not aware of. If you stop speaking for a moment and ask “How does that look from your side?” or “Is something making that hard?”, you may find out reasons for what you are seeing that you would have never thought of. Try to repeat back what you have heard in a sentence (e.g. “So late music is mostly after your closing shifts?”) and then respond as you see fit.

Listening here does not mean dropping your point. If they get defensive, stay calm and return to the specific example. Pausing until the next day is fine if one of you is upset.

Agree on a specific system

Remember, a talk to clear the air that ends with “I’ll try to do better” has little value. End by agreeing on something that you can check within a week or so. For common problems some systems are better than others.

• Dishes: draw up a washing up roster on the fridge or set a rule that all pans are washed up before you go to bed.
• Noise: A set of quiet hours (e.g. wearing headphones after 11 p.m. on weeknights).
• Guests: guests staying overnight can be announced the day before and there can be a limit on consecutive nights they can stay.
• Money: Set a fixed date for paying each month and make a note on the fridge or the shared document where you keep track of bills, listing out who paid what for each bill.

The agreement needn’t be so long that you cannot begin to implement it by this week’s end. If your roommate suggests an alternate solution to the same problem, accept it, as a solution you build together belongs to both of you.

Sam raises the dishes and they agree a fix

1. 
   Sam

   Got a minute? I've been stressed coming home to a full sink, and I wanted to sort it out with you.

2. 
   Jordan

   Yeah, sorry. I've been closing at the restaurant and I'm wrecked by the time I get home.

3. 
   Sam

   That makes sense. What would actually work for you on those nights?

4. 
   Jordan

   If I can leave the pans until morning, I'll wash them before I head out.

5. 
   Sam

   Deal. Pans done by noon, and let's see how it's going next Sunday.

Check in after a week or two

Schedule the issue to be revisited in a week or two to discuss whether or not the workaround is working and if not, what further changes are needed.

Make a note of whether the arrangement is working or not and acknowledge whether it has not worked and you need to come back to the issue and discuss changes or if it is working well and you can thank your roommate for the clear approach they have adopted.

What to do at the check-in

The system is working+

Say thanks and keep it as it is.

It slipped once or twice+

Mention it calmly and ask whether the plan needs a small tweak.

It never really started+

Return to the specific example and agree on one change you will both try this week.

The check-in turns into an argument+

Stop for the day and pick another calm time. If it keeps happening, consider asking a neutral person you both trust to help.

Your next step

Pick the one problem you want to discuss with your roommate. Write the opening part of the conversation with your roommate. Then send the text or have the conversation. You can also practice the conversation out loud with a scene partner in Quippy first to hear how you would talk about the problem with your roommate.

Sources and references

1. Rogers, Howieson and Neame (2018). I understand you feel that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict. PeerJ.253 university students rated how likely written opening statements in six hypothetical conflicts (partners, friends, colleagues, including a shared-housework scenario) were to make the other person defensive; ratings of written statements, not real conversations or roommates specifically.