You dey bath, you dey rub shampoo like say na autopilot, den one conversation from one party wey happen four years ago just enter your head wit full sound. Di tin wey you talk wey nobody else remember. Your belle drop, your shoulder tight, and you make sound for empty bathroom.
Dat one na cringe attack. Na di involuntary-memory shape of post-event rumination, and e no be sign say someting dey wrong wit you. Di wave wey you dey feel na your brain wey dey re-arrange one old social moment wen your mind no get plenty work to do. No be your character wey dey pass judgement on di person wey you be now.
Wetin dis next few minutes of reading wan do na small tin: give name to wetin just happen, understand why one line wey you talk four years ago still dey collect payment years later, and learn one calm move wey you fit use next time wey water dey run and di audio just drop inside your head.
Wetin cringe attack really be
Di phrase “cringe attack” no be clinical diagnosis. Na useful name for one shape wey pipo dey recognise. Clinical psychologist Ellen Hendriksen describe cringe attack as sudden, physical experience wey dey connect to memory wey shame you, di kind wey dey ambush pipo wen dem dey do small-small work like bath or fold cloth. Dat description match well wit one tin wey researchers don study for thirty years under one name wey no sweet for ear: di involuntary autobiographical memory.
Involuntary autobiographical memory na memory wey dey come up witout you trying to bring am out. One cue go touch one node inside network of neurons wey join togeda, di whole network go fire, and one scene from your past go enter your mind wit picture, sound, body feeling, plus fresh dose of di emotion wey you feel di first time. Wen di scene na social one, and di emotion na shame, na cringe attack you get.
Two findings from di research dey worth to hold bicos dem move dis experience from personal symptom go one mechanism wey almost everybody get. Di first one, Del Palacio-Gonzalez and Berntsen dia 2020 study for di journal Memory compare di emotions wey dey follow involuntary memory wit di ones wey dey follow future events wey pipo just dey imagine, and na di memory produce more shame. On average, involuntary recall dey shame pesin pass to dey fear wetin fit happen for future. Di wave sharp pass bicos di brain dey replay someting wey really happen to you. Di second one, Colic and im colleagues dia 2022 experience-sampling study of 284 participants find say post-event processing follow embarrassing social interaction for 86 to 96 percent of pipo across socially anxious, depressed, and healthy control groups. Di cringe-replay response na wetin mind dey do afta shame, e no be flag say your own mind spoil.
Dis one na also why di experience dey come regular regular. Research wey Andrew Laughland and Lia Kvavilashvili do for University of Hertfordshire find say wen pipo dey do dia normal commute, involuntary autobiographical memory dey come almost one every minute, far more pass wetin old diary studies bin talk, and say na environmental cues wey dey change dey trigger most of am. Bathroom na perfect cringe-attack engine bicos notin dey demand your attention, and steady stream of small cues (water temperature wey dey change, di smell of shampoo, di way light dey enter) dey continue to tap di nodes for di network. If you don ever wonder why di same kind of tin dey happen wen you dey drive quiet road or wen sleep dey near, di answer na di same one: di same nodes dey get tap wenever your attention loose. Di night version of dis pattern na im own animal wey deserve im own treatment, so if you notice sey di wave dey catch you wen sleep dey near, dat piece dey next to dis one.
Why e dey land now instead of wen e happen
Di puzzle inside cringe attack na di gap between di event and di wave. Di conversation happen for 2021. You hardly tink about am for 2022 or 2023. So why e go come land wit full force for middle of ordinary Tuesday bath?
Di answer na mechanical one, e no be moral one. Wen you no dey focus on any task, di brain dey shift enter im default mode network, one resting-state system wey dey linked to mind wandering and thoughts about yourself. Na for default mode di brain dey do wetin we dey politely call “sorting” and wetin we no dey politely call “replaying tins wey you no fit fix.” Di smart tin to notice na say dis one no be malfunction. Na wetin di network dey there for. Di only cost na say some of wetin e dey sort na di old social inventory.
Harvard psychologist Matthew Killingsworth and im collaborator Daniel Gilbert run one experience-sampling study wey find say pipo dey spend 46.9 percent of dia waking hours dey tink about someting wey no be wetin dem dey do, and say na di mind-wandering itself, no be di activity wey e interrupt, dey predict unhappiness. Di time-lag analyses show say na di wandering dey cause di drop for mood, e no be say na symptom of am. Wen you read am against di cringe-attack experience, dat finding get one quiet meaning. Di cringe wave no be sign say you be unhappy person; na side effect of di network wey dey make time travel possible. Di price of being able to visit your wedding speech, your last sweet meal, or dat punchline wey you deliver well, na also di ability to visit one awkward line from party for 2021.
Three oda mechanical details complete di picture. Di clinical psychologist David Hallford write for The Conversation say involuntary memory dey come out through network of neurons wey join togeda wey don grow physical connection bicos dia content dey overlap, and say mood-congruent recall dey pull memory wey match di emotional weather of di present moment. If you tense, tense memory get free lane. Hallford also tok say every time wey you remember someting, you get chance to add to am and change di feeling wey dey attach to am, na dat reconsolidation mechanism dey make cringe attack soft small small over years instead of make e freeze for im original intensity. Dr Jennifer Wild for di Oxford Centre for Anxiety Disorders and Trauma add one useful detail for her BuzzFeed interview: di adrenaline wey dey there for di original moment encode di memory wit extra sharpness, na why line wey you talk four years ago fit still come wit full sound. And di Unilad write-up of clinical interviews explain why plenty cringe attack dey arrive as sleep dey near: as di body dey wind down, prefrontal-cortex activity dey drop while di amygdala wey dey process emotion still dey active, so di rational filter wey suppose put di old moment for context go go offline small time.
Wen you put am togeda, di mechanics simple. Small-small activity dey open di default mode network. Di network go bring someting up. Mood-congruent recall dey bend wetin go come up towards di emotional register wey you already dey. Adrenaline make di original encoding sharp. And di prefrontal-cortex filter dey half-staff bicos you dey bath, you dey waka, or you dey bed. Di conversation no dey land now bicos e finally catch up wit you. E dey land now bicos di conditions wey go make any old memory land don reach peak.
Wetin to do wen di wave land
Di move wey worth to practice na one move, no be three. Allow di cringe land witout making am mean anytin about who you be now.
Dat sentence dey do plenty work, so e good make we open am. Di wave get shape. E dey come fast, e dey peak within seconds, and e dey go down if you stop to fight am. Di instinct, wey na di move wey most articles dey teach by mistake, na to argue wit am. You go try tok yourself comot from am (“nobody else remember”). You go try bury am inside distraction. You go try make am useful by pulling lesson comot for di spot. All of dis na different forms of resistance, and na resistance be di very tin wey dey make di wave stay longer pass how e for stay. Di surest way to cut cringe attack short na to stop to argue wit am.
Di wave dey pass quick wen you allow am land pass wen you dey fight am. Di audience comot di room four years ago. Na only you still dey inside.
Three small beats dey inside dat one move. Dem no be checklist. Na stages of di same allow-am-land.
Di first beat na to give di shape name. “Dis na cringe attack” short pass how e sound, and e dey do real work. E dey move di wave from “someting dey wrong wit me” go “my brain dey do im mind-wandering tin again,” wey be smaller and more correct claim. Wen you name di shape, you dey use di prefrontal cortex wey you get now to gently put di moment for context, di moment wey your past self handle wit di prefrontal cortex wey e get dat time. E no dey make di wave disappear. E just dey stop am from doubling.
Di second beat na to feel am for di length wey di wave really take. Di Harvard Health write-up on rumination tok say you no go too continue to ruminate if someting else don absorb you, but absorption no be di same tin as suppression. Hendriksen clinical work tok di same tin for softer way: di wave dey pass quick wen you stop to fight am. Stand under di water, notice di body feeling (di belle wey drop, di shoulder wey tight, di urge to make sound), and allow dem finish dia own arc. Dis one usually dey take less pass thirty seconds. Most cringe waves dey go down by demself once you stop to argue wit dem.
Di third beat na to locate yourself for di present. Wild call dis one stimulus discrimination: to anchor your attention for concrete details of di room wey you really dey, so as to break di pull of di room wey your brain dey replay. Di water temperature na dis one. Di tile na dis one. Di smell na dis one. Kross and Ayduk work on spontaneous self-distancing point di same direction from different angle. Wen pipo look one negative memory like fly wey dey wall instead of to live am again from inside, dem dey show less emotional reaction for short term and less intrusive thoughts as time dey go. Di micro-move na di same as Wild own: comot from di old scene and enter back di body wey you dey now. Di audience from di original conversation no dey di bathroom wit you. Na only you still dey di room.
Notin here na tip list. Na one move, wit three beats inside am. Name am, feel am, locate yourself. Di reason wey e dey work no be say e dey drive di memory comot. Di reason wey e dey work na say e dey allow di wave do wetin waves dey do, wey be to peak and go down, witout you adding second wave of self-judgement on top. Afta plenty reps, di reconsolidation mechanism wey Hallford describe go start to do di rest of di work. Di memory itself no go disappear, but di emotional charge wey dey attach to am go shift, bicos every recall na chance to lay down small different appraisal. Di version of di conversation wey you go replay for five years go cool pass di one wey you replay today, as long as you stop to top am up wit fresh shame every pass.
Na here we suppose mention di cringe-as-growth reading, bicos e dey sidon next to dis calm tone witout to contradict am. Anoda tradition of clinicians and writers dey argue say cringe about your past self na growth signal: proof say you don change, evidence say di version of you wey dey di old conversation na person wey you don pass. Dat reading true di same time wit di mechanical one. Di cringe na information about di distance between your past self and your present self. Di mistake na to allow dat information turn to judgement. You fit honour di past self wey talk di tin, notice say present-you no go talk am, and still allow di wave land witout am meaning anytin more pass dat. To allow di cringe land na wetin dey make space for di growth reading to be useful instead of make e dey eat you. Di whole pattern na part of why pipo dey replay conversation for dia head for years upon years, and why di calm move dey work for long run: every replay na chance to relate wit di moment for different way, e no be to try di same case again for court.
Wen di same memory dey come back come back
Most cringe attack dey behave like wave. Dem dey arrive, peak, go down, and rotate. Di memory wey land for bathroom today no be di same memory wey go land next Tuesday. Di variety itself na part of di calm: di mind dey sort through wide library, e no stuck for front of one shelf.
Di pattern wey deserve serious attention na wen di same three or four memories dey cycle back for di same intensity, week afta week, for years. Charles Brewin clinical work on intrusive memory draw dis line: ordinary involuntary memory wey most pipo dey get and wey no dey usually return for di same form, versus di intrusive memory of conditions like PTSD, severe social phobia, or depression, wia small set of moments dey return on repeat wit little change for di emotional charge wey dem carry. Di shift no really be about cringe attack at all, even though di surface feeling resemble. Na about recurrence and intensity wey no dey shift.
Some oda shapes dey wey worth to flag, no be to pathologize but to tok true. Harvard Health clinical write-up on how to break di rumination cycle tok say rumination, di kind of thought wey dey loop witout to land anywia, dey raise your risk for anxiety, depression, and insomnia, and e list moves wey evidence support: distraction wit activity wey go absorb you, to change your physical location, mindfulness practice, and to tok to friend wey you trust. Wen you translate am back to cringe attack, e clear. If di same memory dey land every night and dey keep you awake, if your social life don narrow bicos you dey expect post-event processing so you dey kill new conversation before dem start, or if cringe attack dey bleed enter mood wey dey low for long, na signal say make you tok to clinician. Di National Social Anxiety Center summarise di research wey show say wen post-event processing dey repeat, e dey inject more negativity and emotional intensity into di memory every pass, na dat mechanism dey turn ordinary cringe attack to di tin wey dey maintain social anxiety. Cognitive behavioral therapy get good evidence for working directly wit dat loop. Di home practice na real practice; e no be replacement for help wen di loop don stop to respond to am.
Di difference small but e important. Ordinary cringe attack dey universal, e dey mechanical, and e dey go down wen you allow am. Small set of memories wey dey cycle wit intensity wey no dey change na different signal wey deserve different response. Treat di first one like weather. Treat di second one like reason to find support.
Di rest of di time, di work na patience work. You no dey solve di cringe attack. You dey allow di brain do di sorting wey e go do anyway, and you dey choose not to add second story (“dis one prove someting about me”) on top di first one (“I talk one weird tin once”). Afta months, dat choice go change how big di wave dey feel. Afta years, e go change di shelf wia di memory dey sidon. Di conversation no go shame you less for absolute terms. E just go stop to carry enough charge to write chapter.