How to Be a Better Listener When You Keep Interrupting or Relating

你的朋友开始向你讲述他们刚刚举行的那场可怕的会议，中途你说“哦，这让我想起了我的前老板”，然后你在接下来的 10 分钟左右的时间里继续向你的朋友讲述你的前老板。如果有人告诉你，你在谈话中打断了别人，或者你把话题转移到了自己身上，那么这可能就是他们所指的时刻。

There are a few simple techniques to help you be a better listener. First, stay on topic and ask follow-up questions on the same topic. Next, make sure you are hearing what they said by telling it back to them. Then, ask if they want to talk about something in more detail (to vent) or come up with a solution.请记住，您关于类似事情的故事应该等到他们结束后，保持非常简短，并且您应该立即将对话传回给对方。

Spot interrupting and topic hijacking as they happen

If you find yourself saying “I know how that is” before the other person has finished their story, then you have probably interrupted them. This can happen even if you were right in your assumption of how their story would continue.

Talking about the same thing.当你的朋友或家人正在讲述一个发生在他们身上的事情的长故事，而你开始讲述发生在你身上的类似的故事时，这被称为劫持话题。 This can be very distracting for the other person and they may feel that the attention has been taken away from them and is now focused on you. For example, a friend is telling you about a horrible experience they had with a canceled flight. You start to tell them about the horrible experience you had with a canceled flight in Denver.

同样的故事，两个回复

抢占话题Ugh, same thing happened to me last year. 停留在他们的主题上Wait, what did she say after that?

Recognizing that you are about to interrupt or change the subject to yourself is half the battle.两个有用的信号是：（1）在你的脑海中形成一个以“我也是”......或“这提醒我......”开头的短语，以及（2）你开始排练一个与你的朋友正在与你分享的故事类似的故事。

Even if you have already interrupted, it is better to acknowledge your mistake than to continue as if nothing had happened.

Stay on their topic with one follow-up question

Ask a follow-up question regarding the point they just made. A follow-up question is a specific question that tries to learn more about the point they just made. Try to make the follow-up question as specific as possible (i.e., try to focus on one particular detail from their last sentence). Also, make sure to keep the follow-up question open (i.e., do not ask ‘Closed’ questions like ‘did you like it?’).

If Jordan says the landlord finally got back to them but it took three weeks, a follow-up could be:

研究表明，陌生人通常更喜欢在 15 分钟的文字聊天中提出更多问题的伴侣来相互了解（Huang et al., 2017）。 A study of face-to-face speed-dating indicated that a person who asked more questions was more likely to get second dates¹。 This speed-dating result is correlational, so it cannot prove that the questions caused the dates.研究人员推测，问题会增加好感度，因为它们可以吸引对方的注意力，并引出更多有关他们的信息。 They also found that people did not expect the number of questions they asked to affect how they were perceived¹.

上述研究的目的是结识完全陌生的人，因此结果并不一定能反映一个人在与亲密朋友交谈时的行为方式。 One could ask too many questions and annoy the other person while revealing too little about themselves¹。 Good listening still includes some sharing with the other person in the conversation and that will be covered later.

Reflect back what you heard

A follow-up shows interest, and a reflection shows that you have understood. So, after they have expressed something important to them, try to repeat the main part of what they said in your own words. If they expressed a feeling, then try to name that feeling too.

If Jordan had flagged an issue early on but then got held responsible for a late fix, it might sound something like this:

The reflection should be as short as possible and be only as sure as you are. It is good to admit where you are wrong and have them tell you where you went wrong. Reflections fit best at the high points of a story, and one or two per conversation is usually enough. Don’t make a habit of word for word restating of their words, because that sounds so impersonal.

Ask whether they want to vent or get advice

很多听力错误的发生都是因为我们错误地判断了说话者的需求。他们是否需要充分探索自己的想法并感到得到支持？能否帮助他们提出解决方案，还是他们最需要发泄？问。

It’s better to wait for a little while after you have started to listen to their problem and then ask if they want to vent or if they need help coming up with solutions.他们可以告诉您他们是否需要发泄或是否需要解决方案方面的帮助。如果他们说他们只是想发泄，请相信他们：即使你有解决方案，也不要开始给他们解决方案。 They might be able to solve their own problem while explaining their problem to you. And then you can give them solutions that actually work.

Follow-up, reflection, then the vent-or-advice check (illustrative)

1. 
   乔丹

   The landlord finally replied about the heater.三周后。

2. 
   山姆

   三周？他说什么？

3. 
   乔丹

   它“在名单上”。 Meanwhile I'm wearing a coat indoors.

4. 
   山姆

   所以你已经冷了好几个星期了，而他却表现得好像没事一样。这太令人抓狂了。

5. 
   乔丹

   老实说，是的。 I'm so tired of chasing him.

6. 
   山姆

   你想要一些想法来推动他，还是你只是需要发泄？

Handle the urge to fix or relate

One of the hardest listening things to avoid is the urge to Fix Them or Relate to Them.这来自最好的地方，即关心他人。但它有可能将对话引向完全不同且无益的方向。如果您发现自己要开始关联或修复，请尝试推迟几轮对话并先问一些问题。 Often the other person will arrive at parts of your would-be Relating or Fixing for you.

Relating to the speaker can be just as problematic as fixing them. Avoid saying “I know exactly how you feel” because it is rare that we do. Instead ask how they feel about what they are telling you.

If they did ask for advice, then give one solution and check if it works for them, instead of dishing out a list of five solutions to their problem.

What to do with the urge to fix or relate

他们寻求建议+

Offer one idea, then ask whether it fits their situation.

They said they want to vent+

Reflect what you heard and hold your ideas, even good ones.

You can't tell what they want yet+

Ask: "Do you want ideas, or do you mostly need to vent?"

A "me too" story is forming while they talk+

Ask one question about their story first. Save yours until they finish.

They finished and asked about you+

Share a few sentences, then hand it back with a question about them.停在那里。

Share your own story when it helps, then hand it back

By sharing your own experience in the conversation, you can make a connection and show that they are not alone in feeling as they do. Just make sure that you do not go on for too long and that you return to the other person in the conversation after a few sentences.

您分享您的故事，然后将对话发回，并提出与他们分享的内容相关的问题。请记住，分享故事的时机和长度至关重要。因此，请等到他们分享完他们的故事或询问您的类似经历。然后用几句话进行分享，并将类似的经历与他们所说的话联系起来。 Then hand back the conversation with a question.例如：

再次强调，你在倾听中分享你的故事的目的是为了支持他们的故事。保持简短，然后向对方提出问题以继续对话。

Try it in your next conversation

Start incorporating these ideas into your conversations with friends, partners, or coworkers.从最简单的事情开始：在你开始讲述你自己的经历之前，对他们对你说的话提出一个后续问题。然后看看他们根据你的提问与你分享了哪些内容。

Practice one follow-up question

1:00

Think of the last story someone told you. Write one follow-up question about a specific detail they mentioned, one you could have asked before talking about yourself.

启动定时器重置标记为已完成

如果您想在现实生活中使用这些对话之前大声练习，您可以使用 Quippy 来找一个场景伙伴。除了练习跟进问题之外，你还可以练习尝试切断自己的“我也是”回答。

来源和参考文献

1. Huang、Yeomans、Brooks、Minson 和 Gino (2017)。提出问题并没有坏处：提出问题会增加好感。人格与社会心理学杂志。Strangers in 15-minute text-chat get-to-know-you conversations (lab and online participants) plus face-to-face speed dates;衡量合作伙伴的喜好和第二次约会的优惠； the speed-date data are correlational and the authors note that too many questions without sharing about yourself may backfire.