Many people will treat you exactly as they treat everyone else on the planet, so before deciding they’ve lost interest, determine their pattern for talking with you over a few weeks. Once you’ve determined their pattern, you can begin to structure most of your messages so that they’re easily answered with more than one word and then you can get off of text with them when text keeps stalling. If after doing all of this work with someone that you find interesting, nothing changes for the better and you tire of your efforts, then it’s time to move on and stop investing your time with this person.

Tell a dry texting style from disinterest

Senders tend to overestimate how clearly their attempts at humor or sarcasm are conveyed when written2. This is based on the results of five lab studies on students sending email to other people (phone texts weren’t tested). A short text is probably just as easy to misread. So, it’s possible that you have misinterpreted the “yeah” that someone sent you.

Instead, look for patterns over a week or two.

  • Do they reply at all, even if briefly, within a day or so?
  • Do they ever start a conversation or send you something unprompted?
  • When you suggest a specific plan, do they say yes or offer another time?
  • Are they sending equally short messages to everyone (including in group chats)?

Be aware of busier periods. People in the midst of exam periods or new jobs for example may text in very short ‘spurts’ of communication over the course of weeks, before suddenly upping the amount of messages again.

Only then will you have a clearer idea whether you are dealing with someone who prefers not to text (because it is too boring for them) or with someone who is slowly pulling away from you. If most answers are yes, it’s probably the first; if most are no, it may be the second.

Send messages that are easy to answer well

When you don’t know what to text to someone who is dry, just ask them a specific question with an obvious answer. This gives them the easiest possible way to respond. A lot of dry replies are answers to messages that gave the person nothing to work with in the first place. So you ask them a question with an obvious answer and hope for the best.

Use something specific from the person’s life in the question. For example, someone who recently told you they were trying out new recipes for making lasagna might get this message:

Example message

Did the lasagna come out okay, or did the smoke alarm get involved?

These types of questions are easy to answer because they have a clear subject and then a fun choice to make. Apply the same to their life, such as the movie they watched last night, the book they are reading or the job interview they have next week. If you don’t know enough to be specific yet, an “either/or” question regarding a preference or a choice that you as a sender feel is small enough to ask can elicit a similar response.

The same check-in, two ways (illustrative)

Ask a follow-up about what they did say

To use what someone has said in your messages, remember that in three studies of live get-to-know-you conversations with strangers (including online chats and speed dates), the people in the studies who asked more questions (particularly follow-up questions) were better liked by their conversation partners1. These studies, however, were conducted with short first conversations, so they weren’t tested on long friendships or on long text threads with someone.

In the above studies, people instructed to ask more questions in a conversation were perceived by others as more responsive (i.e., listening, understanding, validation, and care)1. However, participants did not expect that asking more questions would make the person asking them better liked by others, which is actually the case1.

So, for example, if Jordan writes, “work was long,” you would respond to that detail directly (i.e. don’t change the subject) in the following way:

Example message

Long how? Annoying meetings or just a lot to get through?

Why this follow-up works

Annoying meetings or just a lot to get through?

It picks up the one word they actually gave you and asks about it. The two options after it make the reply easy to type.

Respond with a follow-up question to help keep them talking. A follow-up is simply another question based off what they said previously. Don’t ask too many questions; 3 can start to look like an interview so keep it to 1.

A follow-up that opens things up (illustrative)

  1. Sam

    How was your day?

  2. Jordan

    long lol

  3. Sam

    Long how? Annoying meetings or just a lot to get through?

  4. Jordan

    meetings. three in a row and one was about planning another meeting

  5. Sam

    A meeting to plan a meeting. Did anything useful come out of it?

  6. Jordan

    honestly no. but someone brought cookies so it wasn't a total loss

Move it off text when text keeps stalling

People can be far more warm and friendly in a face-to-face conversation or on the phone and really come across as negative or uninterested in written form. If someone’s replies are short but friendly, try a voice note to them. If they come back with a voice note of their own then that’s a good sign. Have a concrete plan and turn the slow thread into something with a time and a place for the two of you to catch up.

A vague invitation tends to get vague answers. Give them specific details.

Example message

Want to come to tacos at that Elm Street place this Saturday at 7?

For a friend, a call can do the same job: plan a time for a 10-minute call to catch up.

Example message

Got ten minutes later? Easier to catch up by phone.

Their answer to a real invitation is one of the clearest signals of whether they are interested in an interaction with you.

Match their energy without chasing

Matching energy means that you should write messages of roughly the same length as the other person’s messages, and send them with roughly the same frequency. So if the other person is writing one line of text a day, then you shouldn’t write three paragraphs a day. Then leave a gap, and not write any more until the other person has written something.

This also means that you are not carrying the entire conversation. So, after a dry reply, send one more easy message to them and then wait for them to start the next conversation.

By matching the other person’s energy, you’re not entering into a contest to see who can write the slowest replies. You can continue to be friendly and write warm messages but choose not to write their half of that particular conversation.

Decide when to stop investing

Wait two weeks to see how your efforts are faring: 2 weeks of very specific questions, follow-up questions, and at least one concrete invitation. With any luck, you’ll have gotten some answers by then.

After two weeks, what did you get back?

Short replies, but they say yes to plans or offer another time

This looks like texting style. Keep plans and calls as your main channel.

They answered a voice note or call warmly but stay brief in text

They likely just dislike typing. Talk more by voice and keep texts light.

They never start a conversation and sidestep every plan without offering another time

Step back quietly: stop initiating and stay friendly if they reach out.

It's a friend you care about and you still can't tell

Ask once, kindly, whether everything is okay, then let their answer settle it.

If someone is not interested in a conversation, they will usually a) never start one, b) sidestep all of your attempts to discuss things in person and never offer another time to meet, c) answer all of your questions with one-word responses, and d) generally seem uninterested in talking to you. If you see all of these signs, you can choose to disinvest in that person, stop making an effort to chat with them, and be friendly when they do initiate contact with you, but generally focus on people who talk back to you.

With a friend you care about, you might ask this once, kindly:

Example message

Hey, I’ve noticed we haven’t really talked much lately. Everything okay with you?

Whatever they say, or don’t say, will help clear up any confusion.

Your next step

Choose one person who usually only sends short dry messages and then go back over the last two weeks of your conversation with them. See who initiated each of your conversations, and how they responded to your last proposal or idea. Write one simple, real, new question about something they already told you and send it off. If you want to practice a difficult conversation such as a phone call with someone or checking in with a friend, you can practice this out loud against a scene partner in Quippy too.

Sources and references

  1. Huang, K., Yeomans, M., Brooks, A. W., Minson, J., & Gino, F. (2017). It doesn't hurt to ask: Question-asking increases liking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.Three studies of live get-to-know-you conversations (online chats between strangers plus face-to-face speed dating); measured question-asking and liking; strangers in short first conversations, not ongoing friendships or long text threads.
  2. Kruger, J., Epley, N., Parker, J., & Ng, Z. W. (2005). Egocentrism over e-mail: Can we communicate as well as we think? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.Five experiments on e-mail (not phone texting) testing whether senders overestimate how well tone such as sarcasm or humor comes across; lab studies with student participants.