Your friend started to tell you about the terrible meeting they just had and halfway through you say “Oh, that reminds me of my old boss” and then you proceed to tell your friend about your old boss for the next 10 minutes or so. If someone has told you that you interrupt others or that you change the subject to yourself in the middle of a conversation then this is probably the moment that they were referring to.

There are a few simple techniques to help you be a better listener. First, stay on topic and ask follow-up questions on the same topic. Next, make sure you are hearing what they said by telling it back to them. Then, ask if they want to talk about something in more detail (to vent) or come up with a solution. Remember, your story about something similar should wait until they have finished, be kept very short and you should immediately pass the conversation back to the other person.

Spot interrupting and topic hijacking as they happen

If you find yourself saying “I know how that is” before the other person has finished their story, then you have probably interrupted them. This can happen even if you were right in your assumption of how their story would continue.

Talking about the same thing. When your friend or family member is telling a long story about something that happened to them and you start telling a similar story about something similar that happened to you, this is called hijacking the topic. This can be very distracting for the other person and they may feel that the attention has been taken away from them and is now focused on you. For example, a friend is telling you about a horrible experience they had with a canceled flight. You start to tell them about the horrible experience you had with a canceled flight in Denver.

Same story, two replies

Recognizing that you are about to interrupt or change the subject to yourself is half the battle. Two helpful signals are: (1) the formation of a phrase in your head starting with “me too”… or “that reminds me…”, and (2) you beginning to rehearse a similar story to the one that your friend is in the midst of sharing with you.

Even if you have already interrupted, it is better to acknowledge your mistake than to continue as if nothing had happened.

Example message

Sorry, I jumped in there. You were saying she called you back?

Stay on their topic with one follow-up question

Ask a follow-up question regarding the point they just made. A follow-up question is a specific question that tries to learn more about the point they just made. Try to make the follow-up question as specific as possible (i.e., try to focus on one particular detail from their last sentence). Also, make sure to keep the follow-up question open (i.e., do not ask ‘Closed’ questions like ‘did you like it?’).

If Jordan says the landlord finally got back to them but it took three weeks, a follow-up could be:

Example message

Three weeks? What did the message actually say?

Research indicates that strangers will generally prefer a partner who asks more questions in a 15-minute text chat to get to know each other (Huang et al., 2017). A study of face-to-face speed-dating indicated that a person who asked more questions was more likely to get second dates1. This speed-dating result is correlational, so it cannot prove that the questions caused the dates. The researchers surmised that questions increased liking because they served to draw the other person out and to elicit more information about them. They also found that people did not expect the number of questions they asked to affect how they were perceived1.

The studies mentioned above were conducted with the goal of acquainting complete strangers, so the results do not necessarily translate to how one would act in a conversation with a close friend. One could ask too many questions and annoy the other person while revealing too little about themselves1. Good listening still includes some sharing with the other person in the conversation and that will be covered later.

Reflect back what you heard

A follow-up shows interest, and a reflection shows that you have understood. So, after they have expressed something important to them, try to repeat the main part of what they said in your own words. If they expressed a feeling, then try to name that feeling too.

If Jordan had flagged an issue early on but then got held responsible for a late fix, it might sound something like this:

Example message

So you flagged it early and still got blamed for the delay. That sounds infuriating.

The reflection should be as short as possible and be only as sure as you are. It is good to admit where you are wrong and have them tell you where you went wrong. Reflections fit best at the high points of a story, and one or two per conversation is usually enough. Don’t make a habit of word for word restating of their words, because that sounds so impersonal.

Ask whether they want to vent or get advice

Many listening mistakes occur because we have misjudged what the speaker needs. Do they need to have their thoughts fully explored and to feel backed up? Can they be helped to come up with solutions, or do they mostly need to vent? Ask.

Example message

Do you want ideas, or do you mostly need to vent right now?

It’s better to wait for a little while after you have started to listen to their problem and then ask if they want to vent or if they need help coming up with solutions. They can tell you whether they need to vent or if they need help with solutions. If they say they just want to vent, believe them: even if you have the solution, don’t start to give them solutions yet. They might be able to solve their own problem while explaining their problem to you. And then you can give them solutions that actually work.

Follow-up, reflection, then the vent-or-advice check (illustrative)

  1. Jordan

    The landlord finally replied about the heater. Three weeks later.

  2. Sam

    Three weeks? What did he say?

  3. Jordan

    That it's "on the list." Meanwhile I'm wearing a coat indoors.

  4. Sam

    So you've been cold for weeks and he's acting like it's nothing. That's maddening.

  5. Jordan

    Honestly, yes. I'm so tired of chasing him.

  6. Sam

    Do you want ideas for pushing him, or do you just need to vent?

Handle the urge to fix or relate

One of the hardest listening things to avoid is the urge to Fix Them or Relate to Them. This comes from the best of places, i.e. care for the other person. But it has the potential to steer the conversation in entirely different and less helpful directions. If you find yourself about to start Relating or Fixing, try to delay starting on that for a few turns of conversation and ask some questions first. Often the other person will arrive at parts of your would-be Relating or Fixing for you.

Relating to the speaker can be just as problematic as fixing them. Avoid saying “I know exactly how you feel” because it is rare that we do. Instead ask how they feel about what they are telling you.

If they did ask for advice, then give one solution and check if it works for them, instead of dishing out a list of five solutions to their problem.

What to do with the urge to fix or relate

They asked for advice

Offer one idea, then ask whether it fits their situation.

They said they want to vent

Reflect what you heard and hold your ideas, even good ones.

You can't tell what they want yet

Ask: "Do you want ideas, or do you mostly need to vent?"

A "me too" story is forming while they talk

Ask one question about their story first. Save yours until they finish.

They finished and asked about you

Share a few sentences, then hand it back with a question about them. Stop there.

Share your own story when it helps, then hand it back

By sharing your own experience in the conversation, you can make a connection and show that they are not alone in feeling as they do. Just make sure that you do not go on for too long and that you return to the other person in the conversation after a few sentences.

You share your story and then hand back the conversation with a question related to what they shared. Remember that timing and length of your sharing story are crucial. So wait until they are done sharing their story or until they ask about your similar experiences. Then share for just a few sentences and tie in how that similar experience connects to what they said. Then hand back the conversation with a question. For example:

Example message

Something similar happened when I moved, and I felt stuck for weeks. How are you holding up with it?

Again, your purpose for sharing your story in listening is to support theirs. Keep it brief and then return to the other person with a question to continue your dialogue.

Try it in your next conversation

Start incorporating these ideas into your conversations with friends, partners, or coworkers. Start with the simplest thing: a follow-up question to what they have said to you before you start relating your own experiences. Then see what else they share with you as a result of your questioning.

Practice one follow-up question

1:00

Think of the last story someone told you. Write one follow-up question about a specific detail they mentioned, one you could have asked before talking about yourself.

If you want to practice these kinds of conversations out loud before you use them in real life, you can use Quippy to have a scene partner. In addition to practicing follow-up questions, you can also practice trying to cut off your own “me too” responses.

Sources and references

  1. Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017). It doesn't hurt to ask: Question-asking increases liking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.Strangers in 15-minute text-chat get-to-know-you conversations (lab and online participants) plus face-to-face speed dates; measured partner liking and second-date offers; the speed-date data are correlational and the authors note that too many questions without sharing about yourself may backfire.