It is 11:40 outside of Theo’s building after your third date. He already has his keys in hand. “Want to come up for a bit?” he asks, and your stomach does a small drop at the offer.
You’re having a really good time on your date. Dinner was easy to talk about, and the walk home was nice.
The kissing has been really easy too, very much included in the good time, and you feel very at ease with him.
Still, you hear yourself say “Ha, maybe,” which commits you to nothing and explains even less. It isn’t very good at telling someone where your boundaries are.
Tell him which part of dating feels like it’s going too fast for you right now. State your interest in him and the pace at which you are comfortable right now. “Maybe” doesn’t get you anywhere with Theo. He can respond to a sentence like this:
I’ve loved tonight and I want to see you again. I’m going to head home, though. I’d like to keep it to kissing for now.
That line tells Theo what felt fast to you and that you are still interested in him. Slow could also mean fewer dates, no labels, or still figuring out what you want. So say the specific thing you mean, and avoid confusing him about your intentions.
What does it actually mean to take it slow when dating?
The next morning you open up the thread with Theo to say, “I just want to take things slow.” You delete it immediately and reword it with “lol” at the end. You delete that too.
The “lol” at the end was doing a lot of unpaid work.
‘Slow’ feels safe because it is vague, but the vagueness is what causes the trouble. Theo could assume you mean fewer dates with him, no sex with him, no labels with him, or a polite way to exit. I suspect he’ll choose whichever worst case scenario he worries about most.
The VA’s guidance on assertive communication is to state a specific request rather than general complaints, because a specific request is more likely to actually get you a change.1 For example, instead of telling Theo to “slow down”, you could tell him that you want “one date a week”, which he can actually say yes or no to.
Here are the four ways that people usually experience ‘slow’ in their dating lives. Find yours below, then jump to the line that fits.
Which kind of slow are you?
You like Theo and the dates, but three a week is starting to feel like a part-time job
You want fewer dates. Ask for a set number per week, or plan one date at a time.
The dates feel easy, and the fast part shows up at the end of the night
You want to slow down physical intimacy. Name the specific thing you want to wait on and the touch you do enjoy.
Theo has started saying “we” or asking whether you’ve deleted the apps
You want to slow down exclusivity. Say you want to keep dating him and that you’re not ready to agree to it yet.
You honestly can’t tell yet whether you want a fourth date
You’re still deciding. Say so plainly, without booking anything, and accept that he may move on.
You already know you don’t want another date
Skip the slow conversation. Tell him kindly and directly that you don’t want to keep dating.
How do you tell someone you want to see them less often?
Theo texts you Sunday night to set up dates for Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. He seems really into you, and you really like him too. But you can feel your whole week fill up before he has even finished typing.
- How it shows up: you’re looking forward to each date with him and worrying about how to fit them all into your already crowded schedule. Your laundry, your friends and your sleep have quietly turned into next week’s problems.
- What it usually means: your desire to keep dating him is in no way inconsistent with your desire to keep some control over your schedule. You still want space to relax, read, take long baths, go for walks or see your friends and family. Wanting Thursday to yourself is about Thursday, and it says nothing bad about him.
Then just state the number, and keep it warm in the same message:
I’m enjoying getting to know you and want to keep seeing you. For now, I’d like to plan one date a week. How does that feel to you?
That gives him something concrete to answer. Swap in the specific frequency you would actually prefer, and if you want to be clearer, state the reason, meaning the part of your week you need to protect:
I’d like to see you again. One evening a week works for me right now, and I want to keep my other evenings free.
You might actually want to see him a lot, and it’s just the planning it all out in advance that feels fast. In that case, you could say, “Let’s lock in Friday and then we can figure out the next date after.” If what feels fast is really the texting in between, that’s a separate conversation about texting styles.
How do you tell someone you want to wait to have sex?
You are standing outside of Theo’s building again. The dinner was nice and the walk home was nice too. Now the keys are in his hand, and the evening is speeding up without checking with you first.
- How it shows up: you enjoy the dates and the kissing. The feeling of your stomach dropping usually shows up at one particular moment: when you reach his door, when he invites you onto his couch, or when he says “for a bit.”
- What it usually means: the attraction is real, and you want control over the timeline of becoming more intimate with Theo.
When you are feeling calmer, say it in fuller form:
I like kissing you, and I don’t want to have sex yet. Please check with me before things go further.
Be specific about the one activity you want to put the brakes on. If you are enjoying some physical touch but not others, be sure to only list the physical touch that you are enjoying.
So for example, if you are not enjoying his kisses but you are really enjoying his cuddles, you would only mention the cuddles in the positive comments.
This limit can be set at any time, including after the two of you have had sex. According to the information on consent on Santa Clara University’s website, consent to a particular activity on a particular occasion does not grant consent to more of it or to that activity on future occasions.2
How do you say you’re not ready to be exclusive?
You are sitting across from Theo at brunch. He states that he deleted the apps off of his phone and then proceeds to look at you for what feels slightly too long.
- How it shows up: you want the next date with him, and maybe the one after that too. The word “girlfriend” or “boyfriend” lands on you like a form you haven’t read yet.
- What it usually means: you have the desire to keep dating him but not to be his girlfriend or boyfriend yet, so you’re not ready to promise you won’t see anyone else.
Say both parts, in that order:
I’m interested in continuing to date you. I’m not ready to agree to exclusivity yet.
Leave room to talk about what exclusivity means to each of you, since for one person it might be “no one else” and for another “we tell people about each other.”
Then check whether what you both expect right now can work. If you aren’t sure what Theo is hoping for, ask him what he is looking for in dating before the label comes up again.
What do you say when you’re not sure you want another date?
Theo just asked about next weekend, and your honest answer is a shrug. No emoji exists for that kind of shrug that wouldn’t look rude.
- How it shows up: the dates with him have been pleasant, but you leave each one without much pull toward the next. You keep waiting to feel more sure.
- What it usually means: you need more time to figure out if you’re interested in dating this guy or not. In the meantime, you don’t want to give him the wrong impression either way.
I’ve enjoyed our dates, and I’m still figuring out whether I want to continue. I don’t want to arrange another date yet.
Only send this kind of message if it’s true, and be ready for him to decide to move on after reading it. If you are absolutely certain you don’t want another date with this guy, tell him that with kindness and directness instead.
How do you show interest while asking for a slower pace?
Right after the slow part, your mouth will try to tack on a “but I can totally see this going somewhere.” Find out if you mean it before it comes out.
Lead with what you are interested in, and then add your slow down request. Reassurances about a future together might make the moment easier for you, but in this request, try to avoid them. They are too big for this moment and could make things much harder for Theo later if things don’t work out.
- Say the interest that’s already there. This starts with what you already want. You had a great time tonight and would like to see him again, like on Saturday for example, and that is clear enough.
- Leave out futures you haven’t decided on. As soon as you are more interested, you can always come back to them. Until then, don’t promise something like “I could see us together long-term” just to get out of an awkward pause, because you may have to take it back later.
- Keep any reason to one sentence. As an example: this month at work is very busy for you. Don’t explain at length about your last relationship or feeling overwhelmed, since that tends to bury the actual request. That can wait, possibly forever.
What should you figure out before the conversation?
You will attempt to say this slowly and clearly, out loud, in an elevator. You will be cut off mid-sentence by someone getting on at the 4th floor, then finish it in your head for the rest of the ride, polishing it to a fine point.
Rehearsing helps, as long as you know what you are rehearsing. A VA assertiveness worksheet recommends thinking ahead of time about exactly how you will express your needs.3 It was written for general assertiveness, but applying it to your dating situation and filling it out for that can be very helpful.
Your request can be very narrow. So for example you might want to go on dinner dates with Theo every week but still go home afterward, which means it’s the overnight stays you want to slow down. You don’t have to explain all the dates you’ve been on or all the people you’ve dated before in order to ask for what you want right now.
What if they want to move faster than you do?
You state your wishes. There is silence for a couple of seconds, and somehow during that silence you’ve also agreed to Sunday.
Acknowledge his desire for a faster pace, but reiterate your slow down request each time. Search out some common ground you’d both actually want within your current comfort level.
It may also turn out that he wants a commitment you aren’t prepared to make yet. If your needs and wants are at odds with his, then he may choose to stop dating you.
Expressing interest in a person does not have to be at odds with repeatedly asking them to go slower. Just make sure you’re not agreeing to a higher pace just because a silence got awkward.
Holding a limit while staying warm (illustrative)
- Theo
Oh. I guess I thought we were on the same page.
- You
I really like you, and I want to keep seeing you. I'd just like to wait before sex.
- Theo
Is it something I did?
- You
No, you've been great. This is about my own pace.
- Theo
Okay. How long are we talking?
- You
I don't have a date for it. For now I'd like to keep it to kissing, and I'll tell you if that changes.
- Theo
Fair enough. Still on for dinner Friday?
- You
Friday's perfect.
The pause after you say it belongs to both of you. You don’t have to fill it with a bigger promise.
Even when Theo asks about several things at once (e.g. more dates, sex, being exclusive), you can answer one question at a time. Start with what you’re comfortable with right now, and then go from there.
Note that there is a huge difference between someone’s curiosity to understand your boundaries and someone’s pressure to change your mind after you have already said no. If the pressure keeps going, it’s okay to pause or leave the conversation. More wording for that can be found in this guide on people who keep pushing after a no.
When is the best time to tell someone you want to take it slow?
It is much better to have this kind of conversation in a far more relaxed setting than on a sidewalk at 11:40pm with his keys already in his hand, though you now have a line for that too. A long walk and talk, a quiet café or a text when you’re both idle on a quiet afternoon gives Theo room to answer without feeling ambushed.
Rewrite the line that fits your own version of “slow down” in your own words, and say it out loud today, even in an elevator.
Practice your take-it-slow line
Pick your kind of slow, then practice saying the exact line to Theo in Quippy until it comes out without a “ha, maybe” in front of it.
Sources and references
- U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs. Basic Tips for Assertive Communication. VA VISN 5 MIRECCClinical communication guidance, not a study.
- Santa Clara University Wellness Center. Consent. Santa Clara UniversityUniversity education guidance on consent.
- U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs. Practice Being Assertive (worksheet). PTSD Coach OnlineA general assertiveness worksheet, not a study.