You are at the studio sink, washing clay off your hands for the third time that night, mostly because it gives you something to do. The evening is slowly coming to a close.
Priya, two wheels over from you, says “See you next week?” You say “Yep!” before you’re quite sure what you have said.
You are now on the bus home. Your hands are dry, and you are still replaying the conversation with Priya.
You wish you had brought up that Saturday market she was so excited to talk about. And you wish to speak to whoever it was that put an exclamation mark at the end of your “Yep!”
Making friends after a move sounds pretty hard. But the hardest part is already done. The rest is showing up to places where you can have conversations with people on a regular basis, one person at a time.
When you click with someone, invite them to one specific, small thing. No need to fill up a group chat by Friday.
The rest of this story is about how you ended up at that sink and what you end up texting to Priya before your stop.
Where can you meet people when you don’t know anyone in a new city?
Three weeks after the move, you are still sitting on a box labeled KITCHEN??? at 11pm, scouring local listings for things to do. There’s a networking mixer, advertised with a stock photo of people holding wine and talking to each other.
But then you see it: a beginner pottery class on Tuesday evenings.
You pick the pottery, and the reason matters more than the clay. You choose an activity because you want to do it anyway, even if you make zero friends there, and because you can keep going back week after week. Hopefully it is inexpensive, near you and gentle enough to go to after a long day.
- Library book groups give you a topic for discussion, a book you all read, so “What did you think of the ending?” starts things off for you.
- Community gardens give you a job to do together, like pulling weeds, so a quiet minute side by side feels normal.
- Absolute-beginner classes mean you can ask each other for help with your projects, like “How did you get yours to stay centered?”
- Regular volunteering means seeing the same faces on the same shift each week, and that familiarity is where friendship starts.
An activity that consists mainly of standing in a room drinking a beverage is not the easiest place to make new friends, so look for something with more built-in conversation. Ask the organizer two things before you go: Can new people join, and what happens at a typical session?
This can be a very short message that works for almost any group. Here is an example of a message you could send to a Sunday gardening group:
Hi, I recently moved here and spotted your Sunday gardening sessions. Can beginners join, and is there anything I should bring?
Going to an activity you would have chosen anyway makes the night worthwhile, even if you do not get to talk to anyone there. Going back the next week will then be much easier.
What do you say when you arrive alone at an event?
It is your first night at the studio, and it is 6:58pm. You push open the door to be greeted by the already-set-up spaces of the others. Each of them knows exactly which hook on the wall their apron will be hung from.
You stand by the shelf with the drying bowls and read the glaze chart on the wall. You re-read it. That is two more times than anyone has ever read it.
The plan for this night is small on purpose. The only goal is to have a conversation with one new person, ask them one question about the evening, and then tell them a bit about yourself.
And that is it. If that is all that happens, the night was still a success.
You approach the woman next to you who is tying her apron and say your line, the one you practiced on the walk over. (Use your own name here. Sam is just a placeholder.)
Hi, I’m Sam. This is my first time here. Is this wheel free?
The same line can work well at other activities as well. At a board game evening, for example, you keep the same opening and just change the question at the end to suit that occasion:
Hi, I’m Sam. This is my first time here. Is there room for another player?
She says yes and admits she’s been coming for two weeks and still can’t center anything. This is where first conversations tend to stall, because you want to fire off the next question.
Share something about yourself first, then ask a question in return. You are having a conversation, not an interview.
Thanks. I’ve done this once, but I might need a reminder. Do you come here regularly?
Her name is Priya. Keep in mind that a lot of people are not going to be as relaxed as Priya.
If someone seems to be in a hurry and is answering your questions in a short manner, then it’s time to exit. Just say “Nice meeting you” and walk off. A short exchange like this is not a failure, just a normal goodbye.
If everyone seems too engaged with their activity to speak with you, ask the event host where you can join in and try to make conversation with others there.
How do you turn a familiar face into a friend?
It is now a few weeks on and you are back at the studio, at the wheel, chatting with Priya. She brings up that hike from Sunday and then mentions again the Saturday market she’s been meaning to go to but hasn’t yet.
Go a bit deeper this time. Ask Priya about what she mentioned, and tell her about your own week.
For example, you might ask her if her hike on Sunday was worth getting up early for, and then tell her something from your own week. This way, each of you will know a bit more about the other than you did last Tuesday.
Time helps here. A University of Kansas survey of 355 adults who had moved within the last six months found that the amount of time people spent with new people was linked to how close they felt to those new people.1
It shows a link, not the cause, so take it as a reason to leave room for more meetings. Of course, there is no timer on developing a true friendship.
So later that night, her lopsided mug comes up and you are both giggling, and the conversation runs long. When it goes well on both sides, suggest something small that goes with what you are already doing. Make it something you actually want to do.
I’m going to grab a coffee across the street after next week’s class. Want to join me? No worries if you need to head off.
She says yes. Before you go, ask her first if she wants to exchange numbers so you can set up that coffee. Remember to choose a public place you can leave as you please, and make sure you know how you will get home.
Here is a full guide on how to invite a new friend to hang out if you want help wording your invitation.
What should you text someone you just met to make plans?
After the “Yep!”, you’re back on the bus and your thumb is hovering over Priya’s name. You have typed and deleted the same message four times, and version three started with “haha” for reasons no one could defend.
The message you send first should remind her who you are, bring up something that you previously discussed, and suggest a plan. There is no need to explain that you want to be friends, because the plan already says so.
Hey Priya, it’s Sam from the pottery class. I enjoyed chatting about the market. Want to check it out together on Saturday around 10?
If all you talked about was seeing each other at the next class, stick with that instead of inventing a whole new outing. Keep it simple, and change the details to fit what you actually talked about.
For more examples of first messages, see what to text after meeting someone at a party.
What if a new friend says no or doesn’t reply?
Your message is delivered and read at 9:14pm. You check again at 9:16pm, in case the word has changed.
At 9:40 Priya writes back. You can stop checking now. Saturday sounds great to her.
Keep your reply short and the plan modest. A short plan is easier to extend than a long one is to cut short, and a single trip to the market does not need to be an all-day thing.
Great. Shall we meet at the market entrance at 10? I’ll probably stay for about an hour.
Not every response is going to look like Priya’s. But they’ll all have a way for you to proceed.
What to do after you send the plan
They say yes
Confirm one meeting spot and roughly how long you'll stay. An hour is plenty for a first plan.
They can't make it but suggest another time
Take the new time if it suits you, and reply in one line.
They say no without offering another time
Accept it in one line and see them at the next session as usual.
No reply
Don't send reminders. Act normally next time you see them and leave room for them to suggest something.
If they suggest an alternative time for you to meet up, then a simple yes is all it takes:
Sunday works for me too. Same time?
If they say no and offer no alternative time, that is fine too. This person is probably busy or has other things going on, and you don’t need to know which.
No problem. See you at class next week.
Silence is dealt with the same way. Skip the follow-up nudges. You go to class, you continue as you would, and see if they begin to make plans with you in the weeks to come.
In the meantime, if the silence is really getting to you, you can read more about how to follow up with a new friend who hasn’t written back yet, including the one message worth sending.
What if you worry you sounded awkward with someone new?
On your second night at the studio, you blanked on Priya’s name. You knew it started with “P”, and you spent forty minutes building sentences that didn’t need it.
The blank really did happen. The part where she figured you were hopeless is just a guess your brain filled in around the third bus stop.
In five studies described by Yale, people underestimated how much someone they had just met liked them after talking.2 It’s worth noting that these studies cannot tell you how any individual feels about you. Still, it’s best not to take your harshest reading as gospel.
Priya most likely forgot your “Yep!” before she reached her car. You are the only one still replaying it.
A forgotten name is a slip-up, not a faux pas, so there is no need for a long apology. Just ask once, smile and that’s it.
I’m sorry, remind me of your name? I’m still learning everyone’s.
Try to change one small thing for the next intro, like speaking more slowly. But one awkward moment does not have to turn you into someone completely different.
If an introduction went wrong, here is what to say after an awkward first introduction.
How many friends do you need after moving to a new city?
Social connectedness is defined by the CDC as the number, quality, and variety of social relationships that an individual wants.3 Note that the word doing the most work in this definition is “wants.”
In your case, this may mean you have one buddy for going for walks and another for an occasional dinner. While you are unpacking and settling into your new job, that may be all you are looking for.
Daytime or weekend plans are also generally easier to honor than an evening out.
It’s also important to stay in touch with old friends. It can be hard to arrange phone calls with friends who live far away, so here are some ways of keeping in contact with a long-distance friend.
Remember, though, some activities are not worth continuing if they are not very welcoming or require too much traveling. Just stop going to them and find something else instead.
It’s next Tuesday at the studio sink, and this time you wash your hands only once. Priya waves from her wheel with clay up to her wrists. “Still on for Saturday?” she says.
Rehearse your plan text
Open Quippy and practice the exact text you'd send your own Priya, then send the real one once it sounds like you.