Priya wrote “we broke up.” Then there were some typing dots, which came and vanished twice.
You type out “Oh no, are you okay?” only to delete it straight away. What you delete far more quickly is “He was never good enough for you.” Your thumb hovers over the keyboard, ready to type out more, as your friend’s dots reappear.
You’re probably planning a way to “fix” things for her right now too as you read through her words, and would like to dash off that recovery plan straight away. Just put it to one side for tonight though.
Comforting Priya comes down to this: 1) Acknowledge the loss, 2) Listen to her without trying to “fix it” for her, 3) Ask her what type of support she would like, and 4) Offer specific help she is free to say no to.
Your opinions can wait until she asks for them.
The NHS considers the end of a relationship a loss which can bring feelings of grief.1 Even if you saw it coming months before, the friend behind those dots may be grieving right now.
What should you say when a friend tells you they broke up?
The words finally appear after several seconds of typing dots: “it was his idea. i’m sitting in the car outside work and i can’t go in.” You don’t have to work out if he was fair to break up with her, or whether they should get back together. Just be a good friend right now.
Acknowledge how much it hurts and then leave her to tell you as much as she wants about it.
I’m so sorry. Do you want to tell me what happened, or would you rather have some company without talking about it?
A few messages later she writes, “We were supposed to move in together next month.” That is the detail you should answer. You don’t have to search for any positives regarding this.
You were planning a whole next chapter together. I’m sorry those plans have changed so suddenly.
So don’t say that she’ll get over it in time or that she’ll find someone better. To someone sitting in a parked car, lines like that can sound like a polite request to be sad quicker than she needs to be. Just stick to what she has told you and make sure you understand it from her side.
How do you listen to a friend without giving advice?
It’s Thursday night. You are on Priya’s couch with a takeaway going cold on your knee. She’s talking about her last conversation with him, for the third time.
Meanwhile, you’re secretly outlining a 5-point plan in your head, with lots of sub-points for each.
Samaritans’ advice on supporting someone who is struggling is not to immediately offer advice, not to compare their experience with your own and not to try to “fix” their problems.2 This is very general support guidance and will not cover every single circumstance of a break up. So the best job you can do this evening is to understand what she has told you.
Try this sequence:
- Let her finish speaking. Put your phone face down and try to avoid formulating a response whilst she is describing the moment that he carries his bike out to the car.
- Reflect one thing you have heard her say. Try to use her exact words. If she said “the empty side of the wardrobe” then use those words, and don’t guess at feelings that she may not have expressed.
- Leave space for her to say more. There may be a final point that she wants to make and it may take her a few seconds to think of it. Wait for three slow seconds and then respond.
When she mentions coming home to an empty apartment, you could say:
It sounds like getting home in the evening is the hardest part right now. Have I got that right?
If she corrects your misunderstanding, accept it and follow her lead (e.g. “Thanks for explaining. What part feels hardest?”).
Questions help when they open up the conversation. “What has today been like?” lets her decide where things go next. “Don’t you think you should…” is still advice with a question mark on the end, and it will be heard as such.
How do you ask a friend what kind of support they need?
The NHS, writing about how people talk about their mental health, separates out three things they might want: advice, support or just to be heard.3 Your friend has described a problem to you, but she may simply want you to have heard her words.
So ask her. Instead of listing out all the different options and getting into an interview-like structure, just offer a couple of ways you can help, the same way you’d ask “Do you want tea?”
Do you want me to listen, or would it help to think through what to do next?
If she says “I don’t know,” this still counts as an answer and you should drop it. Don’t try to get her to choose.
That’s okay. We can just sit here for a bit. You don’t have to figure anything out with me.
At some point she may actually ask for your view. If she holds out her phone with his last text on the screen and says “Is this weird, or am I reading into it?”, you can answer that one question.
But after that, remember you are there to listen to and support her. Avoid sharing your views on him and the relationship, and everything you privately thought of him.
What should you not say to a friend after a breakup?
Remember that line you typed and deleted at the start, and try to banish it from your brain right now. The bit about him never being good enough for her. This is likely to come flooding back to you when she talks fondly of him.
These lines form a pretty distinct pattern: they declare something to be true, set a timescale or tell her to do something she didn’t ask about.
Don’t tell her “You need to block him.” Ask her first if you can bring up the topic of contact with him at all.
Would you like my thoughts about staying in touch, or should I just listen?
Don’t tell her “At least you weren’t married.” Acknowledge the relationship she had, without ranking the loss.
This relationship mattered to you. I’m sorry it ended.
Don’t say “I never liked him anyway.” Don’t give your opinion of him tonight. Stick to her and your friendship with her.
I’m here for you. You don’t have to explain why you still miss them.
Let her miss him out loud. The friend who came over to help is the last person she should have to defend that to.
You might have some similar circumstances in your past and they might seem relevant, but she may not want the director’s cut of your breakup from 2019. Ask her first if hearing about how you coped might help her, and then only share a couple of sentences and go back to her.
Her feelings may not even make sense to you and that’s okay. Here’s some wording that helps to validate someone even when you don’t understand their feelings, and you don’t have to agree or argue with them.
How can you help a friend after a breakup without taking over?
On Saturday, Priya mentions she’s been living on toast since Tuesday. Supporting someone after a breakup means making offers of things you can actually do. So rather than telling her to cook proper meals again, offer to bring her dinner, which asks nothing of her.
Make the offer specific and small, and make it easy for her to say no.
I’m picking up dinner around six. Want me to bring you something and stay for a bit? It’s okay if you’d rather be alone.
Other offers that tend to fit:
- A short walk. Say you’re going to do a loop of the park at 5pm and offer for her to come and walk with you. Not necessarily to talk, just to keep her company.
- Helping her pack. If she’s boxing up his things this weekend, offer to sit with her on the floor and help fold stuff as she puts it into the boxes.
- Her favourite program. Suggest watching the last season of her favourite baking show at your place the following day.
Don’t go to her house without asking first. Don’t make plans or bring other people along without checking with her. Don’t forward her messages to a group of friends worried about her. Only contact her ex for her if she explicitly asks you to and you’re okay with it.
What if your friend keeps talking about their ex or wants them back?
2 weeks pass. A long 7 minute voice note from Priya arrives at 1:12 am. Another version of their last conversation in the kitchen.
The same conversation. But with one key addition: what he said while he was holding his keys.
It’s very tempting to test her out and see if she is following the advice that you have given her, but try not to. Try to acknowledge the part of her that is going over and over that conversation again, but don’t try to fix it.
That conversation is still on your mind. What part are you thinking about tonight?
If she says she wants him back, there’s no reason to argue her out of it. You don’t have to praise her desire to return to him either. Just ask her what she needs from you right now.
I hear how much you miss them. Do you want to talk about that feeling, or are you asking what I think about getting back together?
Remember that her feelings have no time limit, but your own time can have one.
I can talk until nine tonight. After that I need to sleep, but I can check in tomorrow.
Supporting your friend does not have to mean she gets unlimited access to you. So only promise the check-ins you’re sure you’ll make, and stick to that.
How to support a friend without overpromising goes into this more fully and lists words and phrases for particular circumstances. If the support starts to outgrow what you can give, it may become necessary to let your friend know that you are unable to be their main support person. How to tell someone you can’t be their main support person covers how to say that.
When the breakup conversation comes back around
She brings up the same moment again
Reflect it and ask which part is on her mind tonight. Leave the new solution out.
She says she wants him back
Acknowledge how much she misses him, then ask whether she wants to talk about the feeling or hear your view.
She asks directly what you think
Answer that one question honestly and briefly, then hand the conversation back to her.
She says she doesn't know what she wants
Tell her she doesn't have to figure it out with you, and keep her company.
You're running low on time or energy
Say how long you can talk and when you'll check in next, then keep that promise.
What if you already gave your friend advice they didn’t ask for?
It slipped out. You replied to Priya and said “honestly you should just block him.” She replied “yeah maybe,” with no emoji.
Now you’ve scrolled back up twice to reread it.
Repair it. Do not seek reassurance from her.
Sorry, I jumped straight into telling you what to do. You didn’t ask for that. I’ll listen.
The best way to fix a mistake like this is to not keep fixing it. Say it once and stop there. Don’t add “but I’m only saying this because I care,” as that reopens the advice, and don’t go back to the blocking argument.
Change how you respond in the next message and let her carry on, move to a completely different subject or even end the conversation altogether. If you realize you missed what she was saying in the first place, what to say when you realize you weren’t listening covers that repair.
It will take a while for her dots to stop appearing at odd hours of the night, so it would be best to have your first message ready before they turn into words. For check-in messages later in the week, see how to check in on a friend after a difficult week.
Practice your next check-in
Write one check-in that names your friend's loss and offers a choice between talking and quiet company, then rehearse it and the replies you're nervous about with a conversation partner in Quippy.